Tuesday, April 21, 2009

A fly in the ointment

That's such a weird saying. "Ointment" is kind of a gross word.

In any case, there is a fly, an elephant in the room, some other egregiously out-of-place animal. I am afraid of a small white square in my bathroom - my scale.

Kara wrote about her scale-hatred the other day. I empathized. I haven't weighed myself in at least two months. I don't know what that little digital number would be if I hopped on today - and that terrifies me. It could be "big" - scare quotes because I know that what I think of as large is not necessarily shared by others. I don't know what my reaction would be. It could be smaller than it was before - if that's the case, I know I'd be relieved. That's scary on its own.

I know it would be okay not knowing. Some of the clothes I wore last summer don't fit or fit differently, but I expected that. It's not essential that I know my weight. But I think about it every time I'm in the bathroom. It's hardest first thing in the morning, the time I always used to weigh myself (no water weight). It's like when I'm confronted with an ice-cream cone or a doughnut - I want it, and I don't. It's yet another example of recovery's limbo-like state. It's so frustrating.

8 comments:

brie said...

You should run over that damn elephant. Or, smash it with a hammer? I've done both, and either way its incredibly empowering!!! (Please know I'm actually talking about your scale. I'm actually quite fond of large African mammals. :)

lisalisa said...

i so know what you mean. About wanting it, and not wanting it.

Cammy said...

I agree with Brie, removing the temptation could turn into quite an entertaining and cathartic event, I say get rid of it!

sarah said...

i just had this conversation with my RD ... she wants me to get rid of it, and i cannot let go. i, however, do use mine on a daily basis ...

if you do decide to get rid of it, i would love to hear about how that goes ...

Caitlin Dale said...

Should I be worried that I have those same fears about the scale?

Ointment is a nasty word. Ugh. I have always hated it.

Gaining Back My Life said...

Choosing not to weigh yourself for the past 2 months = wise.

Being chained to a scale = not so wise.

Lisa = Wise

p.s. word ver is 'pokasess'. wtf????

Sarah said...

It's interesting-I was planning to make my next post on this topic because I just talked with a friend about it. I haven't weighed myself in several months, and it has been the best thing for my peace of mind. My clothes fit and knowing the fluctuations does nothing good for me. I figure that if my clothes start feeling a little snug, I will move my body a little more or buy new ones. I am SO happy to be in this stage of recovery and to feel the sense of freedom from. It's just a little number--I won't give it control of me any more!

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