Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Why are we here?

I'm sitting in my masters' class at GMU and aaallllll I want to do is go home. This isn't really helping.

I FINALLY got my aide today. The rest of the week is going to be bumpy, but we should get the hang of each other soon.

I got spit on today. I really don't care - it's better than pee.

Sunday, September 27, 2009


It has been and up-and-down kind of weekend.

Friday: came home and vegged out - good.

Saturday: cleaned in the morning and Jim came home - very good.
Had a nice dinner to belatedly celebrate my birthday - also very good.
Got into an argument (it involved calipers) - not good.
Made up and talked about it - very good.

Sunday: lesson planning/progress reports - okay.
Anxiety - not good. Very not good.

I'm just so keyed up and tense right now. I need to get this teaching thing right, and soon.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009


Today is my birthday. Someone told me it's my "golden birthday," because I'm turning 23 on the 23rd. Unfortunately the only "golden" thing about today was the two students who had accidents during naptime.

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Thinking about food (trigger warning)

There's a KitKat commercial on TV that shows people working in cubicles, taking time out to blissfully enjoy the chocolate-covered wafery goodness of a Kitkat. Men, women, black, white, Asian - all of them taking a bite and savoring it.

It made me realize I could never do that. I could never walk to a vending machine and select a KitKat. I could never tote it back to my cubicle (or classroom) and unwrap it. I could never sit down, eat the KitKat, throw away the wrapper, and go back to my life.

No. I can't eat food without thinking about it. If I do - Jim made candied walnuts the other day and I ate a ton of them - later on it comes back to haunt me. I can't just make a meal. I stand in the kitchen and agonize - what will fill me up with the fewest calories? What will give me the most nutrition for the fewest calories? What will taste good?

There's a tug-of-war, always, in my head. No, don't eat that, says one part of my brain. And then the other part says Go ahead, have a little cashew butter. Have a triscuit. Have a bite of sugar-free pudding. Eat eat eat, it'll make you feel better. But of course it doesn't, I feel like shit.

Not that it matters. No matter what I eat I will never, ever be thin.

It doesn't matter. It shouldn't matter. But it does.

Saturday, September 19, 2009

Keeping on

I'm still a craptastic teacher, but at least I didn't leave in tears on Thursday. My aide won't be there Monday, so who knows what will happen then.

I'm not quitting. I"m NOT. I have to convince myself that's not an option.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Error message

I may have made the biggest mistake of my life doing Teach for America.

I am terrible. Terrible. I have no authority and I don't know how to get it back. I will tell the students to do something and they laugh at me. Another teacher will walk in and say the same thing and it's done without a peep.

I am a basket case. I have Teach for America staff sitting in on my class nearly every day of the week.

I can't remember the last day I didn't cry. I am dreaming about my students - even in my sleep, they don't listen.

And I'm stuck for two years.

Saturday, September 12, 2009

One Two Three

One: If you are pissed off about government/taxes/healthcare/a black man in the White House/the high price of oolong, feel free to congregate in the nation's capital to make your feelings known. This is a democracy where free speech is held near and dear, and I am genuinely happy to see people exercising that right (no really, I am. I don't care if you think Obama is the Antichrist and women belong in the kitchen barefoot, I'm happy that you have the right to say that in any public place you want).

Two: If you DO decide to congregate in the nation's capital, please educate yourself on that city's public transit system BEFORE you set out one cloudy Saturday morning. Please note that "step back, doors closing" and "step back to allow the doors to close" means get your flags/posters/children the FUCK out of the door.

Three: If you choose to wear a shirt that says "don't tread on me," then please avoid treading on the young teacher on her way to professional development who already doesn't want to be out early on her precious, precious weekend.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Kiss your brain

I tell my four-year-olds they're so smart, they should kiss their brains*: kiss their palms and then pat their heads.

Because they are smart. And you are too, so you should kiss your brain.

My kids are actually learning. I don't know if it's because I'm teaching them or because they already knew, but they know the difference between a triangle and a circle.

Did you kiss your brain? Do you think it's silly? I did it in front of my class. Kiss your brain. You deserve it.

*I should note that I did not come up with this. That's a TFA thing.

Monday, September 7, 2009

Good weekend and anxiety

Yesterday Jim and I went exploring. There's a little river town called Occaquan just south of us, and we spent a few hours walking around the shops. I ate *gasp* two truffles (well, one and a half; the raspberry filling was weird). We got great deals on Irish wool scarves and found a couple cute wine shops.

We did, however, have a spat about food. I didn't believe that the gelato was 98% fat free, and I wouldn't have gotten it anyway. Jim wanted some, then I said I didn't want any, and then he said he didn't want any. So then we argued about it.

Still, we had a good time. I really want to take my parents and his parents there when they get down here to visit.

And school starts up again tomorrow whether I want it to or not. And believe me, I don't.

Friday, September 4, 2009


It is the end of my first week of teaching and I am alive. I think.

I've had three of my colleagues tell me my kids don't listen to me because I'm not black. Well. There is nothing I can do about that. I don't even tan. I have to find another way.

I don't know why I thought I could do this. I think my application and decision to do TFA was done in a five-month fit of arrogance.

Update: still can't stand my stomach. Yep. That's no changing anytime soon.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Learning Curve

Mother. Of. God.

Yesterday ranks as one of the worst days of my life. I was a puddle of tears by 3:30. Four-year-olds defeated me.

But they did not defeat me today. Well, not entirely. I have two that are especially fractious - one that might have something a little off upstairs, and another who's just oppositional. Not "just," I suppose. He called me a bitch. He's four, remember.

So this will be a challenge.

I still hate my body, but at least I'm not thinking about it from 8:40-3:30.