Sunday, February 28, 2010

Making the list

I made the list I mentioned in the last post. If you will indulge me, I shall share some of it with you.

Under things I have improved:
  • Fat talk/body issue talk in everyday circumstances. I used to bitch all the time about being lumpy/chunky/a horking cow, and it was taking a toll. I thought it was just bothering Jim, but once I made a conscious effort to stop it, I realized what it had been doing to me, too.
  • Leaving work at work - you know I used to bring it aaaalllll home with me. I cried a lot. Now - when I drive home, I let it fly out the window behind me. In a metaphorical sense. I drive home on 495, so there's too much traffic and exhaust for me to open the windows.
  • Food outlook. Many fewer foods fall under the "not safe" umbrella. I went to a buffet with Jim last weekend. Woot.
Under things with which I've made progress:
  • Exercise outlook. I joined a really great gym and have started a weight-training program. It's still a struggle to avoid overdoing it - "if 30 minutes is good, then an hour must be GREAT" - but overall I'm feeling stronger.
  • Catastrophic thinking: Thank you, New Therapist, for putting a name to that "OMG I AM A FAILURE" thinking that has pretty much been how I respond to making mistakes. When I fuck up, the world does not end. I knew this, given that I have perpetrated countless fuckups and the sun still rises. But now I have a better way to conceptualize it. If that makes sense.
  • Sponteneity: "Want to go out for dinner?" Jim asks. I don't panic any more. I'm doing much better about loosening my death grip on routine.
  • Looking to the future: Jim and I want to go to Spain. We want to move. We might someday buy a house. Thinking of those things makes my daily life so much more bearable - it reminds me that this life I have now is not forever.
Under things that still need progress:
  • Negative body talk before social outings: this is my weak point. Before we go out with friends, all I can see are my muffin tops, my love handles, my stomach pooch. And then I get frustrated. I still usually have a good time, but it's an unnecessary stressor.
  • "The voice:" None of you has heard this, and consider yourself lucky for that. In some stressful situations - namely, when something happens while driving with Jim - my voice goes up about five octaves.
  • Worrying about stupid things. Tackling my anxiety is a Big Job.
  • Inertia: this is a hallmark of my depression - everything is too much effort. It's not. I just need to find a way to remind myself of this.
Eek, that was pretty long. Thanks for staying with me.

Sunday, February 21, 2010

Letting it get to me

This winter is getting to me. I feel incredibly stuck.

The snow isn't melting fast enough and I can't figure out if I'm just unable to see past it. Classic pathetic fallacy - monotonous snow, monotonous me. I am boring. And then from "boring" I slip into finding all my other faults.

Okay. In the past I would have just let myself do this until spring, but my mother and I have spent too much time in therapy for that. I am not boring. I have done things. I will do things. And every day, I'm trying to be a better person - even if that just means letting me be me.

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

... snow

Everything you are seeing in the news is true - there is a ridiculous amount of snow out there. And it's still falling. I don't know how there can be any more snow in the atmosphere, anywhere, but apparently there is and it's cascading down on Alexandria, VA.

We've had a couple scary moments without power - Sunday night we lost it for a few hours and today we lost it for about ten minutes. But who knows, it's supposed to start blowing like a sonafgun in a few hours.

As far as my own condition - I'm feeling a lot better. Not 100%, but I've actually felt the glimmerings of an appetite.

I certainly wasn't eating normally during this illness - I was eating anything that would stay down. Vegetables, which I normally love, were kind of repulsive. Instead I've been nibbling bread, crackers, and hard cheese since ... Friday? Criminy that's a long time. And today, during a brief outing, I bought a bag of Sweet & Salty Chex mix because hey, it looked good. I've also been drinking orange juice - that sugary calorie bomb we're always being warned about (*eye roll*). I need the liquids!

Maybe one good thing will come out of this - I'll remember that I need to listen to my body and give it what it wants (as much as possible).

Sunday, February 7, 2010


On Friday, due to the approaching Snowpocalypse/Snomageddon, DCPS let out at 12:00. Which is good, because around 2:30 my guts decided to rebel. Friday, Saturday and today have involved a lot of bathroom time. Today is better, but feeling slightly less shitty is still ... shitty.

I'm so sick I can't bring myself to care.