Sunday, November 29, 2009


I need a lot of work.

Sunday, November 22, 2009


The week at school started out magnificently crappy and then got better toward the end. I'm trying so, so hard not to derive my self-worth from others - something I'm beginning to realize I've done all my life. Just because I was me didn't mean jack - I still needed to be something good, anything, in someone else's eyes. I didn't have - and I still have trouble finding - a sense of intrinsic worth.

But Friday and Saturday were okay. I went out both nights (nothing wild or crazy, just some time with Jim and a friend) and I managed not to cry or feel horrible about myself.

I have an appointment with a new psychologist on Tuesday. We'll see how that goes.

Sunday, November 15, 2009

A Diversion

Or, Why People from the Midwest Should Undergo Training before Moving to a Large City:

I am walking to the metro from Gallaudet University, where I was attending TFA professional development. I pass two middle-aged men waiting for a bus. I make eye contact, and because I am from SE Ohio, I smile.

Man 1: How you doing?
Me: I'm good, thanks.
Man 1: Lookin' good.


Wednesday, November 11, 2009

At sea

I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't know where my head is half the time. I'm itchy. I can't sit still.

I'm at a loss, but I don't know what for.

Sunday, November 8, 2009

Not doing so well

Ruined another weekend night with Jim. I got upset over something stupid, then I kept beating myself up for getting upset, and then it just went downhill from there.

I try so hard to be less self-critical, but how do I just stop noticing all of my glaring faults? I try, I fail, and then I feel even worse because I'm a) failing and b) whoppingly self-centered. This kind of narcissism isn't the fun kind, people. It's the kind when you just can't think of anything else but what a craptastic person you are - lazy, boring, fat, self-centered, a shitty teacher, insecure, whiny.

I just feel paralyzed. I don't know how to make this better and I'm afraid it's going to make things even worse.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

And here we go again

Two more bad days. I know that teaching is going to have its ups and downs, but dammit I really thought I was on the right track.

Trying to think of something positive to hold on to. I guess what's really keeping me going is the thought that I have one person who has decided, for some reason or another, that he wants to spend not just this year, not just next year, but a whole bunch more years with me. Like all of them. And that long after Teach for America is a memory, Jim will still be there.

The same goes for my family - no matter what happens, I've still got them.

So that's something. If that's what it takes to get me through, then so be it.

Sunday, November 1, 2009

Expending Energy

I have spent the last two hours HATING myself, my body, my lack of self-control. I bought some much-needed khakis and there was no denying it, from my reflection to the larger size. I am bigger. All over. And I am making myself schizophrenic over it.

Dinner parties. Wine and cheese. Bread. Chips and salsa. Candy. It has to go. It all has to. Because I can't even handle a little bit of it.

But it can't go.

But it has to.

It can't.

It goes.

It stays.

It goes.

I hate this.