Sunday, August 30, 2009

The Bitch is Back

All right, y'all. I'm back. Thank you for the concern and care you guys showed in the comments on my last post. It meant a lot to me. I'm thinking that all the adjustment of moving and starting a new job (more on that in a minute) just got overwhelming. There have been tears. There have been small meltdowns. But I'm getting the hang of living a) where the traffic patterns are RIDICULOUS and b) in the same space as that guy, you know, the one I agreed to live with forever. We're doing well.

The big news - I got a job! I will be teaching Head Start to a bunch of four-year-olds. I've seen my classroom and set it up - it's enormous. Plenty of space, but not a lot of supplies: I don't have any paper, markers, blocks, manipulatives (those bears and blocks you used to count). Supposedly Head Start will send me things ... but I don't think I'll have them by Monday. I'll beg a dry-erase marker off another teacher and things will be fine. The other teachers, by the way, are some of the nicest women I've met in a long time. They're very no-nonsense, but I like that. I just hope I can figure out how to teach as well as they do. I also hope I can figure out the day's schedule, which I don't actually have. Hmm. Tomorrow's going to be interesting.

The body woes continue. I've had a couple of meltdowns that I'm not particularly proud of. I really, really am not happy with my body right now. I feel bad for putting Jim through my freakouts. Part of it is that our dryer shrinks everything, but part of it is just that I'm heavier than I have been in a long time.

So the journey continues. The anorexia is screaming in my head, but Jim's cooking delicious things, hell, I'm learning to cook delicious things, and there's nights out with friends. I feel like I can either have the body I want or eat potatoes and bread and dessert. It's tough. Duh. Y'all know that.

I need to go pick out my book for storytime tomorrow. I'll provide an update tomorrow.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Another apology

"If you can't say something nice, don't say nothin at all." --Thumper

I'm taking a break until I can say something that does not smack of self-pity and ig'nance.


Right now I am seriously debating having lunch. Not debating what to have for lunch, but whether to have it at all. I feel hungry and that feels good.

Why is this suddenly happening? I stuff my face for weeks and now I think about skipping lunch?

What do you do when you're suddenly gobsmacked by the Do Not Eats?

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

A year ago

A year ago a girl walked up behind me in the gym and asked, "Mike?"

Now you would never mistake me for a boy. You wouldn't think I ever had an eating disorder, either.

If this is recovery, why don't I feel happier? Why don't I like myself more?

Sunday, August 16, 2009


Current worries include:

Not getting a job. School starts in a week - even if I find out where I'm working tomorrow, that gives me only a week to plan ... everything.
Failing at being a roommate (and eventually, you know, a wife and all).
Continuing to gain weight.
Getting sick (I have a cough I can't shake).
Being a shitty teacher, whenever I actually do get in the classroom.

Guh. I am a bundle of nerves.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Keep on Keepin' On

I am spinning my wheels - actually, I'm spinning on the elliptical mostly. I don't have a placement, I still hate my body, blah blah blah.

Believe it or not, though, there are some things that make me happy. It takes a bit of mental scrounging, but here's a list:

1. My fiance. Living with Jim has taken some adjusting, but I can't get over how lucky I am to be living with my best friend and husband-to-be.

2. My friend Tamsin, who is living with us for a while. Not only has she valiantly put up with sleeping on our couch and having us wake her every morning, but she's one of the most fun people I know.

3. I do not currently have a job, but I will have one. At least I keep telling myself that.

4. The website F My Life. No matter how shitty my day has been, someone else has had it worse.

5. The Ikea website. Going through it is just so soothing.

6. Our mini-garden. Right before I moved in Jim planted herbs (basil, spicy basil, marjoram, rosemary, and a few others), and after I got there we planted hot peppers, habaneros, and bell peppers. The herbs have already been awesome and I can't wait to until the peppers (not the habaneros, though) are ripe.

7. Television. Holy moly, there is some awesomely bad stuff out there.

What are the things that make you happy right now?

Saturday, August 8, 2009

Note to self 34,543

Dear Lisa:

You have been writing some exceedingly self-centered, triggering posts. It is time to get a grip. You have plenty of other things to deal with besides your love handle hang-ups. No, you don't have a placement yet, but you can think of what you want your classroom to look like and what your management strategies will be. You can draft a letter for your students' parents. You can think about data tracking and organization. You can actually start using your damn planner.

Oh, and you can enjoy yourself, too. You're living in a beautiful apartment with your fiance. That's quite a good thing.

And you can work on your body if you want to. You can get back to where you were before Institute - but it is not going to happen overnight.

Get over it. Get over yourself. Get a grip.


I know I cannot get fit and toned in a week. I cannot expect my body to be what it was five weeks ago. But I'm not seeing ANY progress, and it's frustrating. I don't like the way I feel.

Deep breath. Patience is a virtue. I have time. When you do this too quickly is when the problems start.

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Still waiting

I don't have a position yet. I can't figure out the buses here to save my life. I need a haircut like you wouldn't believe.

And I'm large. I'm carrying more weight than I have for a long time, and it's getting to me.

I just want my life here to come together, and it's not fitting. Much like my shirts.

Sunday, August 2, 2009


I slept until 1 today. IN MY BED. And I never have to go back to Temple again.

Now I just have to actually start teaching.