Monday, May 4, 2009

Quagmire

My session with Dr. M did not go well today. I kept telling her I feel like I'm stuck, and she kept telling me that I just have to be patient, and I am tired of being patient. I am tired of disliking myself so much. I am tired of regarding my scale with a mix of terror and longing. I am tired of avoiding the mirror when I get out of the shower. I am tired of not believing the people I love when they tell me I look better. I am tired of thinking about my body so much.

And then Dr. M made this weird quasi-suggestion, not that I lose weight, but that I get to a weight that I'm "more comfortable with." Huh? DOES SHE THINK I'M FAT????? Whoa, okay, she hasn't actually seen you in six months. I just really don't know how I could eat differently" as she said without it crossing into restriction. I'm exercising six days a week. I'm so rigid about foods that are "safe" and foods that aren't. I don't want to stay here but I'm so afraid to change.

Deeeeep breath. I know this is exacerbated by all the other stuff that I can't control, all the things that are up in the air and make my recently-consumed dinner burble uncomfortably.

I don't know, I don't know, I kept telling her. I don't know.

5 comments:

Harriet said...

Do you see a dietician? It sounds like Dr. M is a little confused. I don't think she thinks you're fat, but what weight does she think you'll be comfortable at. I mean, I'd love to weigh 110, but that's so not logical for my height and body type. Is anyone comfortable with their number on the scale?

ola said...

Oh it IS weird. It would confuse me as well. I am sorry you have tough body image times. But could you perhaps try interpret the whole thing as a question: Is there any weight you will be comfortable with?
(I don´t have any. Well I often dreamed about some comfortable predestined weight I couldn´t influence. I am weirdo, but if weight was something given like temperature or blood pH it would be so much easier; I am gaining weight and I am trying to see my target weight as this predestinated point. There are another important things to influence in our lives).
Numbers are never as comfortable as feelings are. Be your(special)self and try to work with feelings not numbers Lisa.

Sarah said...

I hate stupid comments like that.

This summer when I went in for an appointment with a bone doctor, after discussing my AN history, she was talking about how my current BMI was so low, dangerous, etc.

I was really confused, since I had a healthy BMI, so I told her that. We re-weighed me, and it turned out the nurse had just written something that was flatly wrong on my chart, and my BMI was healthy after all. The doctor exclaims, "oh good, I thought that was weird since you don't look very thin."

Seriously?! SERIOUSLY?!

I mean, not that I WANTED to look like I had an unhealthy BMI, but we just talked about how my weight and body image is an ongoing struggle and you're going to say something that insensitive? And this was a female doctor! I'd expect something like that from a man who hasn't "been there," but really... so, anyway, what's your phrase, touch of the idiot? I think your doctor has that too, or is maybe trying to work in a genuine way with you and not realizing that it is detrimental to you in the way it comes across.

I would definitely follow up to clarify what he/she meant, or forget about it since you are realizing that it only leads to bad things to "dwell/do." You know? Keep us posted on what you decide to do.

Amelia said...

I struggle a lot with that concept of how do you do it "right" without going overboard. And how do you exercise without being crazy. And avoiding the scale only to run back to it ten minutes later. and...and...and.. Well, a million "ands". I want to over think everything and of course it only comes in black and white. Lately, I've been trying to remind myself that it is okay to be a bit confused and that if I just ride it out the confusion will pass. Patience is such a difficult thing.

Gaining Back My Life said...

I could have written this post. I am becoming just too comfortable with my ed, and it seems pointless to go to therapy to solve a problem that I don't want to solve.

But I still go. *sigh*