Tuesday, May 26, 2009


Maybe someday going through my closet won't be the traumatic experience it is now. My body has changed drastically since last fall, and nothing, nothing at all, fits the way it used to. Things are tight. There are bulges.

My head says this is wrong wrong wrong. What happened to you? What did you LET happen to you? You're out of control. You don't have any discipline.

You'd never believe I was once so thin. Fuck, even I don't believe it sometimes.


licketysplit said...

I can't EXPRESS to you how much I know this sucks! Just try to tell yourself it's not natural to fit into those clothes- those are a sick person's clothes and you don't want to be sick anymore! You want to be well and living your life. And maybe most importantly- get rid of them. Even if they still fit. Wearing clothes, or even having them(this was my issue- for some reason I CLUNG to them) from when you were so into your eating disorder is almost always a recipe for disaster.
You'll find new favorites and new super cute clothes that will show of you NEW rockin', HEALTHY bod! ;)

lisalisa said...

My heart hurt for you as i read this post! I know that feeling, too well. But the fact that you dont fit those clothes isn't failure, it is success! (but i'm sure rationally you know that)
Weight gain is such a hard part of recovery; unfortunately it's neccessary. I agree with licketysplit- get rid of those clothes that are tempting/haunting you! And keep talking about it...:)

Just Eat It! said...

I can completely relate because it's pretty much the story of my life (well, my year). Almost exactly a year ago, I was hospitalized and gained a good percentage of my body weight. Upon coming back, I cried as I looked through my closet. I had to throw out everything, except for a select few things.

I look at the few things I kept and wonder what the heck happened to me. It hurts so much thinking that these pants, that shirt don't fit and won't fit again. I feel like a failure, but I know the feeling will subside with time. It all seems like it was some bizarro dream being that thin, but I was. I never thought at the time that I was THAT malnourished.

Perhaps we should both throw out the reminders of our illness. It can't be healthy to wallow about it. Think of the hard work you've done and congratulate yourself for it.

Gaining Back My Life said...

I think you should do what I do. Don't even bother trying the old stuff on - why bother? If it felt good when you were sick, it won't now. I'm going to have to trade out my fave jeans - and I am most certainly NOT going to give them one last try on; I already know they are too tight.

Why torture yourself? Sick cannot = healthy.

Love ya!

p.s. What is the capital of Canada? Your sis rocked! If it weren't for Mr.I'm-too-fast-on-the-buzzer-know-it-all, she would have won!

ola said...

I can hear you... my sixth grade yeans probably don´t fit anymore, but I can´t proof it, I got rid of them when I decided to gain weight. I can imagine the temptation to try them if they were in my closet. The weird thing about it is that I wasn´t able to throw them away until this april. Don´t let kid´s/unhealthy/triggering objects distract you from the healthy path Lisa!

Sarah said...

To deal with this problem, I have a lot of fun sundresses and tops that are body skimming, not clinging. A lot of them are empire waist or styled to be baggier at the waist (my stomach is my "worst" body part in my mind.) They're from a variety of places but were all pretty cheap (Target, Forever 21, and then some from the Banana Republic outlet and Ann Taylor.) I have jeans in 2 sizes, and I have leggings. I've tried to get clothes that show the aspects of my body that I'm comfortable with most days--my legs and my arms.

I KNOW I look good in these items of clothing, and I'm not drowning myself in a muumuu. I have my whole life to be aware of my body and in my day-to-day life these days, I don't really want to be hyper aware of how it looks in clothes because that just gets me thinking about my body instead of other, more important things. I can confront myself naked and every once in a while I do wear tighter things when I'm feeling good about myself. Otherwise, I try to put clothes on that let me forget about the little bulges or flaws and emphasize what I'm comfortable with. I would definitely recommend a little creative shopping like this--maybe even when Jim is in town so he can help reinforce the goal of the activity and keep you shopping when you feel like crying until you've picked out a few things that make you NOT want to cry.

I'm sure you are BEAUTIFUL in anything, even though you probably don't believe it. Just know that the people who know you don't even care how you look in clothes.