Saturday, May 2, 2009

However far

I often joked with my psychiatrist (as much as anyone can joke with a pdoc) that I had "anorexia lite." Oh hahaha, get it? My weight never dipped into scary five-year-olds-weigh-this-much territory. I passed out once. My electrolytes never got out of whack. I mean, really, I just got a little carried away with a diet. There wasn't much to worry about - everyone was all worked up over nothing.

But just now I looked through my Facebook photos. Not pictures I've taken, but pictures that have been taken of me. From freshman year through now.

God almighty. I was so, so thin.

No wonder people gave me funny looks. Remember that girl I talked about, the one who could take out an eye with her sharp knees and elbows? The one I said I never looked like? I lied. My collarbones looked like razorblades. My face was half its current diameter; same with my arms. Where did I go?

I can see my reflection now. The only way you'd know I was ever once so thin are my wrists - they're still a little bony. This body I'm in now is radically different from the body I was in - the body I was - four years ago. So many things are radically different.

The battle with my body is mostly won - my weight is "normal," and I have a decent (I think too decent, of course) padding on me. My arms don't disappear above the elbow, and my thighs allllllllmost touch, right at the top. It's a battle in my head now. And that's the hardest to win.


Sarah said...

I can totally relate to part of this. I did not have anorexia lite--I had the real deal, as did you my dear :/ -- but I get "not getting the severity" until much later. Holy crap, I was so ugly and frail in the depths of that disorder. I have removed all the pictures from FB a long time ago so as not to trigger myself, and I am finally at what someone else may call a "happy weight" where I can maintain a normal lifestyle, period, exercise and eating habits and whatnot, but. But. But. I am a different person all together in my appearance, and it is difficult to deal with. Even though I know THAT was bad, I'm certainly not WILD about this. The battle of the mind is the hardest, for sure!!

brie said...

That can really be a wake up call, huh? I know it is for me. I don't have any pics anymore of back when I was 17, 18, at the very worst of it, but even now I'll look at pics of myself and think yucky yucky my face looks gross.

I hope it didn't trigger you, but helped you see that you do have distortions. It is indeed a hard battle to win (in the mind) but I believe it can be won. Be brave chica!

Lissy said...

i'm right there with you -- i'm a perfectly normal weight (wish i had less padding too.)

old photos are scarey. how could i have carried anything in those skinny arms. but i thought i was "anorexia lite" too.

great post.