Suck it

Really, the best thing I can say about work today was that there was no bloodshed. It was that terrible.

It sucks when you haven't had a terrible day in a long time, and then one comes along and wallops you in the gut.

A tale of two in-laws*

In high school, I was terrified of my boyfriend's mother. This woman had the power to reduce me to a stammering, quivering heap of insecurities.** To illustrate: my sister S and I both worked at a local grocery store - she was in the photo department, I was in the deli/bakery. S was closer to the entrance, so when my boyfriend's mother would come in (small town, remember), S would call me over the phone system and then I would hide in the walk-in cooler until she left. That's right - my fear of this woman was greater than my hatred of the cold. And this continued long after I'd broken up with her son and even after I'd started dating Jim.

I would like to declare that Jim's mother is not at all scary.

This weekend Jim's parents came out to visit. I was already anxious about all the food and wine we would consume, but I also had a small, stupid, self-centered worry: what if they thought I was fat? As I walked down King Street to meet them for lunch (sans Jim - I am a grown up), my reflection in all the shop windows was enormous. I knew, I knew, I knew they wouldn't say anything, but ... what if they did?

Later that night (lunch was fine) we were eating Jim's delicious (fucking delicious) paella. We were talking about how amazing a cook Jim is and since it was on my mind (and I was slightly tipsy), I said that I'd gained weight. Jim protested that I didn't know how much I'd gained, but I said it was quite a bit.

"No no no, " Jim's mother said. "I think you look great, Lisa, you have color ... you look great."

Yep. No more walk-in coolers for me. :)









*Okay, since I didn't marry my first boyfriend and I haven't yet married Jim neither of these women have actually been my in-laws, but dammit this is my blog.
**To those of you who quote Eleanor Roosevelt and say "no one can make you feel inferior without your consent yadda yadda yadda" I say, you haven't met this woman.

Hypocrisy

Hypocrisy, a double standard. Whatever you want to call it, I have it.

I preach it - as much as a befuddled agnostic can preach anything. BMI is silly! The ideal of thinness is a cultural construction foisted upon the public by the media! The "war on obesity" is ridiculous! C'mon Michelle Obama, that little girl didn't care about veggies, she cared about her mom's immigration status!

But this week I've been basing my self-worth on my weight, the food that I eat (or don't), the exercise that I do.

What is wrong with me? I am letting fucking number rule my life. NO ONE CARES BUT ME. Jim does not care. My mother does not care. My students do not care (although one asked if I was pregnant and another one apparently likes my boobs). BUT I CARE. I care.

I don't want to trigger. I don't want to be a wet blanket. But this is what my head is like now.

Angry

Yeah I'm suuuuper angry in this post. Just a disclaimer.


Using my planning period to bring you this breathtaking news - my BMI is in the "overweight" category.

Part of me knows that BMI is stupid, that I've put on muscle and that's going to skew my BMI. Part of me knows that in the early 1990s, the definitions of "overweight" and "obese" were arbitrarily shifted, making millions more "overweight" overnight (I could link you to an article but I'm lazy and rushed).

But part of me is also pissed. Pissed that I thought I could eat whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted without consequences (wow, that's some judgmental language). Pissed that I drink so much wine. Pissed that I let myself do this.

I'm also pissed at my old therapist, my doctors, my nutritionist - all of them assured me I'd stop gaining weight. They told me I wouldn't have a weight problem. I just want to go to them and wave this in their faces and say "see? I was right. I didn't stop gaining weight and look what happened. Thanks a lot."

I need to get over this - or at least shove it aside - before my students get back from gym.

Proof Positive and Negative

Oh holy MOLY that last post is full of bravado. Today's events make it absolutely clear that I am in no way "recovered."

Today, I took a half-day (yay!) to go to the gynecologist (boo). During the pre-exam, I told the nurse my spiel: "I'm in recovery from an eating disorder, so I get weighed backwards."

"Okay, that's okay, whatever," she replied. She wasn't mean about it, just kind of blase - just one more weird demand from a patient. So I hop on and she fiddles with the counterweights.

And then she says the first two digits. "Oh wait, you didn't want to know ..."

Too damn late, lady. I looked at the scale and figured out the last one. And oh my dear god it was so much higher than I expected. So much higher.

I kept it together in the office. I mostly kept it together on the ride home and while I was getting the car serviced. At the gym though - all those mirrors, all those people - I freaked the fuck out. Panic attack time. I made it back to the car and called my sister. She listened while I cried and sobbed and continued my freakout for a solid ten minutes. I took another ten to calm down after we hung up, and then I went back inside and finished my workout.

Now I'm furious with myself. All the meals out, all the wine and cheese, all the little nibbles - what the fuck did I think was going to happen? And I've got to stop sharing my internal thought processes because they are majorly triggering. Just know that my head is not a friendly place right now.

So no, I'm not recovered. I'm lots of other things that I don't want to list but I'm not recovered.

Watching Miss USA

Yep, I'm watching the Miss USA pageant. More precisely, Jim and I are watching it while we eat chorizo, cheese and bread.

Did I feel not a twinge but a baseball-bat-wallop of envy when those girls strutted across the stage in bikinis? Well, yes. Their thighs DON'T TOUCH, I thought. Once upon a time, YOUR thighs didn't touch. Wasn't that great? And so on and so forth.

This brings me to the topic of recovery and that touchy, age-old question: can you ever be "recovered?"

I believe that in general, yes, a person can become recovered from anorexia and develop a completely normal relationship with food and the larger world. For myself? I don't know.

I am not the person I was fall 2005, when I staggered onto Ohio University's campus at a ridiculous weight (and that was with pockets full of coins and a heavy belt). I am not the person I was that winter, at my lowest weight, numb, cold all the time. I am not the person I was that spring, grimly downing three Ensures (the high calorie kind) plus dining hall meals just so I could stay in school. I'm not even the person I was a few years later, interning at the University of Delaware and eating gelato but still much too thin.

I'm bigger. I know sizes can be triggering, and I apologize, but I'm working on not being ashamed that I am a size 10-12, large or even extra-large. Part of this is due to my taste in clothing - ie, not-skintight - but it's mostly just because I'm bigger. I have no idea what I weigh - I haven't weighed myself in well over a year - but I know my body is different.

For one thing, I'm a hell of a lot more muscular and I love it. You were right, Jim, you were right - I love weight training. I love feeling so strong and I love that I'm not overdoing it. I know that I can't do weights every single day - I'd be so sore that I couldn't walk. I'm never going to be a female bodybuilder (I have a crazy aunt who does that - one per family is enough, thanks), but I love the feeling of being stronger. I told Jim I was embarrassed when a trainer at the gym randomly fist-bumped me, but I was actually stoked - maybe he thinks I'm legit. And you can't do weights if you don't eat. So I eat.

This year has been one of the hardest of my life. It's also been one of the best, since Jim and I got engaged and moved in together. You can't go through a year as eventful and not change.

I wish that all of this could lead up to a proud declaration that I am recovered. No quotation marks; fully and totally recovered. Unfortunately, I can't. The old anorexia voice is still there - right before I take a shower and I see myself in the mirror; when I try on clothes and nothing seems right. Sometimes even when I see those old pictures I start to think that wouldn't be so hard, you could get back there pretty easy. It's in the choices I make at restaurants, it's in the guilt I feel after a weekend of gustatory events.

Maybe I'll never be "recovered." Maybe some people never do. But even without the "-ed," I've learned that I can still live a full life. I can deal with the anorexia thoughts - they no longer stop me from working hard and loving harder.

Well howdy

Well hey there - wait, is this thing still on?

I know my last entry was on a positive note, but March took the fucking mickey out of me. A lot of things piled up, not in the least Jim's car being stolen. We got it back, thankfully - but really, who the hell steals a ten-year-old minivan? April was better, but only just.

You'd think I'd have 8 million things to say, and I'm sure I will when I think of them. One is that I'm glad to be back in the blogosphere. I've been reading and commenting, but I sure did miss y'all. Telling Jim my thoughts and feelings is wonderful, but it's also nice to tell you guys, too.

The one big thing to share is that Jim and I have decided to put off the wedding until next summer. WE ARE STILL GETTING MARRIED. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH OUR RELATIONSHIP. That's something we've been having to explain a lot to our families. When Jim's car was stolen, it made us realize just how hard it would be to put on a wedding this summer - in terms of both money and time. So we argued and discussed and cried (at least I did) and then I talked to my mom and fought and cried some more; and then just as I was about to head for the courthouse everything was all right again. I was sad for a while - the thought of a wedding was something that kept me going through those awful months last fall - but now I feel relieved. I can relax this summer. We can take a minibreak (in the immortal words of Bridget Jones).

I'm a bit rusty at this, so I'll write more later about my body and where I am in my recovery. Dare I put the "-ed" on that word yet? We'll see.

Making the list

I made the list I mentioned in the last post. If you will indulge me, I shall share some of it with you.

Under things I have improved:

• Fat talk/body issue talk in everyday circumstances. I used to bitch all the time about being lumpy/chunky/a horking cow, and it was taking a toll. I thought it was just bothering Jim, but once I made a conscious effort to stop it, I realized what it had been doing to me, too.
  
• Leaving work at work - you know I used to bring it aaaalllll home with me. I cried a lot. Now - when I drive home, I let it fly out the window behind me. In a metaphorical sense. I drive home on 495, so there's too much traffic and exhaust for me to open the windows.
  
• Food outlook. Many fewer foods fall under the "not safe" umbrella. I went to a buffet with Jim last weekend. Woot.

Under things with which I've made progress:

• Exercise outlook. I joined a really great gym and have started a weight-training program. It's still a struggle to avoid overdoing it - "if 30 minutes is good, then an hour must be GREAT" - but overall I'm feeling stronger.
  
• Catastrophic thinking: Thank you, New Therapist, for putting a name to that "OMG I AM A FAILURE" thinking that has pretty much been how I respond to making mistakes. When I fuck up, the world does not end. I knew this, given that I have perpetrated countless fuckups and the sun still rises. But now I have a better way to conceptualize it. If that makes sense.
  
• Sponteneity: "Want to go out for dinner?" Jim asks. I don't panic any more. I'm doing much better about loosening my death grip on routine.
  
• Looking to the future: Jim and I want to go to Spain. We want to move. We might someday buy a house. Thinking of those things makes my daily life so much more bearable - it reminds me that this life I have now is not forever.

Under things that still need progress:

• Negative body talk before social outings: this is my weak point. Before we go out with friends, all I can see are my muffin tops, my love handles, my stomach pooch. And then I get frustrated. I still usually have a good time, but it's an unnecessary stressor.
  
• "The voice:" None of you has heard this, and consider yourself lucky for that. In some stressful situations - namely, when something happens while driving with Jim - my voice goes up about five octaves.
  
• Worrying about stupid things. Tackling my anxiety is a Big Job.
• Inertia: this is a hallmark of my depression - everything is too much effort. It's not. I just need to find a way to remind myself of this.
  

Eek, that was pretty long. Thanks for staying with me.

Letting it get to me

This winter is getting to me. I feel incredibly stuck.

The snow isn't melting fast enough and I can't figure out if I'm just unable to see past it. Classic pathetic fallacy - monotonous snow, monotonous me. I am boring. And then from "boring" I slip into finding all my other faults.

Okay. In the past I would have just let myself do this until spring, but my mother and I have spent too much time in therapy for that. I am not boring. I have done things. I will do things. And every day, I'm trying to be a better person - even if that just means letting me be me.

... snow

Everything you are seeing in the news is true - there is a ridiculous amount of snow out there. And it's still falling. I don't know how there can be any more snow in the atmosphere, anywhere, but apparently there is and it's cascading down on Alexandria, VA.

We've had a couple scary moments without power - Sunday night we lost it for a few hours and today we lost it for about ten minutes. But who knows, it's supposed to start blowing like a sonafgun in a few hours.

As far as my own condition - I'm feeling a lot better. Not 100%, but I've actually felt the glimmerings of an appetite.

I certainly wasn't eating normally during this illness - I was eating anything that would stay down. Vegetables, which I normally love, were kind of repulsive. Instead I've been nibbling bread, crackers, and hard cheese since ... Friday? Criminy that's a long time. And today, during a brief outing, I bought a bag of Sweet & Salty Chex mix because hey, it looked good. I've also been drinking orange juice - that sugary calorie bomb we're always being warned about (*eye roll*). I need the liquids!

Maybe one good thing will come out of this - I'll remember that I need to listen to my body and give it what it wants (as much as possible).

Gastro-glub

On Friday, due to the approaching Snowpocalypse/Snomageddon, DCPS let out at 12:00. Which is good, because around 2:30 my guts decided to rebel. Friday, Saturday and today have involved a lot of bathroom time. Today is better, but feeling slightly less shitty is still ... shitty.

I'm so sick I can't bring myself to care.

Oh, me oh my

I just can't win. Or I can win for a little while, but then I start losing again.

At least I'm doing better in some ways. I'm not constantly beating myself up for my failures at work. I'm doing the best I can with what I have, which isn't much - in terms of experience or assistance in the classroom.

I'm trying so hard to leave it at work. I can't bring everything home with me and dump it on Jim. I think I'm getting better at that, but sometimes it sucks all day and it just implodes as soon as you stop moving.

Thank god for The Office and 30 Rock. And for our Groundhog's Day liquor potluck this weekend.

I'm still here

I just can't think of what to write.

Body

What with work issues, I haven't written much about food issues.

Well, they are still there. As in I feel huge, nothing fits right, and I am horrified by my stomach.

I think about so many bloggers I follow, so many great men and women who have worked hard to like the bodies they have - just as they are. They don't look at celebrities or passers-by and agonize about why they aren't as thin. They genuinely like food AND their own bodies. And I can't.

Is this ever going to stop? I have no idea how to accept myself.

Hmm

You know it's bad when you start watching Dirty Jobs and you start to think hey, that might be kind of fun.

Did I mention ...

... that I don't want to go back to work?

... that I am the laziest bride ever? I designed our save-the-dates and invites using Microsoft Publisher templates.

... that I feel like the sloppiest, jiggliest, squishiest person ever?

... that I hate lesson planning? I should be doing that now instead of blogging.

... that I cried multiple times during our viewing of Up last night?

... that not only am I a lazy bride, I'm kind of a lazy blogger and I use gimmicks sometimes?

Oh readers. I love you so.

The Holidays

The holidays have come and gone. We spent an entire week - a busy, car-trip-filled week (sorry and I love you, Jim) in Ohio with our families. I love them - my family and his. Thank you, whatever cosmic/godly/karmic forces there may be, for giving me future in-laws that I like very much.

And now we're back. I'm sitting in a Panera, selfishly taking up a table for four with all my crap, staring down the mountain of work that I did not even THINK about during my one-week vacation.

I don't want to go back to work. Ever.

Randoms in the snow

1. The D.C. metro area is being socked by the BIGGEST MOST MAJOR-EST SNOWSTORM OF 2009 OMG GEEZ buy toilet paper. It's actually almost as bad as local newsmedia (hi Matt!) is making it out to be - we have pretty substantial drifts in the parking lot.

2. Yesterday I tried on pants that I haven't worn in a while and they did not fit. And I did not freak out. They were too small and they looked too small - like, ludicrously small. I thought to myself, I'm not the same person I was eighteen months ago, so it's okay if my body isn't the same, either.

3. Today that justification seems a little thin (no pun ... okay sorry).

4. In addition to being stuck in a job and a body I'm not currently fond of, now I'm stuck in the apartment. But I like the place and I like the company I have, so it's really not so bad.

Peanut M&Ms

God love my Secret Santa, but I ate about 2.5 servings of peanut M&Ms today. I'm trying to let it go, forgive myself, and rationalize it by saying that at least I got some protein.

....and fail. Nope. Beating myself to pieces over this.

Stuck

Welcome to the Self-Loathing spiral, where everything you think about is further proof of what a shitty person you are. Especially thinking about how much you think about yourself! Selfish, narcissistic, whiny.