Sunday, February 28, 2010

Making the list

I made the list I mentioned in the last post. If you will indulge me, I shall share some of it with you.

Under things I have improved:
  • Fat talk/body issue talk in everyday circumstances. I used to bitch all the time about being lumpy/chunky/a horking cow, and it was taking a toll. I thought it was just bothering Jim, but once I made a conscious effort to stop it, I realized what it had been doing to me, too.
  • Leaving work at work - you know I used to bring it aaaalllll home with me. I cried a lot. Now - when I drive home, I let it fly out the window behind me. In a metaphorical sense. I drive home on 495, so there's too much traffic and exhaust for me to open the windows.
  • Food outlook. Many fewer foods fall under the "not safe" umbrella. I went to a buffet with Jim last weekend. Woot.
Under things with which I've made progress:
  • Exercise outlook. I joined a really great gym and have started a weight-training program. It's still a struggle to avoid overdoing it - "if 30 minutes is good, then an hour must be GREAT" - but overall I'm feeling stronger.
  • Catastrophic thinking: Thank you, New Therapist, for putting a name to that "OMG I AM A FAILURE" thinking that has pretty much been how I respond to making mistakes. When I fuck up, the world does not end. I knew this, given that I have perpetrated countless fuckups and the sun still rises. But now I have a better way to conceptualize it. If that makes sense.
  • Sponteneity: "Want to go out for dinner?" Jim asks. I don't panic any more. I'm doing much better about loosening my death grip on routine.
  • Looking to the future: Jim and I want to go to Spain. We want to move. We might someday buy a house. Thinking of those things makes my daily life so much more bearable - it reminds me that this life I have now is not forever.
Under things that still need progress:
  • Negative body talk before social outings: this is my weak point. Before we go out with friends, all I can see are my muffin tops, my love handles, my stomach pooch. And then I get frustrated. I still usually have a good time, but it's an unnecessary stressor.
  • "The voice:" None of you has heard this, and consider yourself lucky for that. In some stressful situations - namely, when something happens while driving with Jim - my voice goes up about five octaves.
  • Worrying about stupid things. Tackling my anxiety is a Big Job.
  • Inertia: this is a hallmark of my depression - everything is too much effort. It's not. I just need to find a way to remind myself of this.
Eek, that was pretty long. Thanks for staying with me.

5 comments:

Cammy said...

Lol, "long" for one of your posts is still much shorter than my usual ramblings, no worries! I think it's great that you're able to analyze and separate these things, you have a lot to be proud of! And it's important that you can look at some things as works in progress, instead of beating yourself up for not having conquered them yet, woot for not caving to black and white thinking.

Spain? Awesome, when are you thinking of going?

Sarah (your sister) said...

Oh, I am pretty sure I have heard "the voice" once or twice. :)

You sound happier about a lot of things. I can't say how glad that makes me.

PS: I texted you, but I just want to say again OMG LILAC INN! And the t-shirt is so damned clever. Thank you so much!

Sarah said...

Oh Lisa, if you think THIS is long, you obviously have never read my blog. EVER. My short posts, in which I am really proud of myself for being concise, are like 560 words.

Anyway, I like your list and LOVE that you're doing a little bit better and feeling more emotionally organized.

BTW, I do the same thing before dinner parties/social functions. I think it's displaced nervousness/anxiety, but seriously, why does everything have to happen in the evenings? I've already eaten all day long, so I have begun to resemble a woman in her 2nd trimester. In the morning, I'm my thinnest self so that's when all occasions should occur!!! duh people!

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ola said...

pretty long and pretty great!
it is wonderful to stop here and see you with so much acomplished and so much ahead... you are an inspiration Lisa!
I plan to go to Spain this summer as well, just for me it is not so far:)
Lately, lot of ed/recovery/food issues blogs I used to red obsessively have been somehow triggering for me (I don't know why, because I am hopefully doing progress as well), but yours is so "normal", so human, so Lisa.. THANKS! And lot of power to you!* ola