Monday, May 17, 2010

Proof Positive and Negative

Oh holy MOLY that last post is full of bravado. Today's events make it absolutely clear that I am in no way "recovered."

Today, I took a half-day (yay!) to go to the gynecologist (boo). During the pre-exam, I told the nurse my spiel: "I'm in recovery from an eating disorder, so I get weighed backwards."

"Okay, that's okay, whatever," she replied. She wasn't mean about it, just kind of blase - just one more weird demand from a patient. So I hop on and she fiddles with the counterweights.

And then she says the first two digits. "Oh wait, you didn't want to know ..."

Too damn late, lady. I looked at the scale and figured out the last one. And oh my dear god it was so much higher than I expected. So much higher.

I kept it together in the office. I mostly kept it together on the ride home and while I was getting the car serviced. At the gym though - all those mirrors, all those people - I freaked the fuck out. Panic attack time. I made it back to the car and called my sister. She listened while I cried and sobbed and continued my freakout for a solid ten minutes. I took another ten to calm down after we hung up, and then I went back inside and finished my workout.

Now I'm furious with myself. All the meals out, all the wine and cheese, all the little nibbles - what the fuck did I think was going to happen? And I've got to stop sharing my internal thought processes because they are majorly triggering. Just know that my head is not a friendly place right now.

So no, I'm not recovered. I'm lots of other things that I don't want to list but I'm not recovered.


Jessi said...

I HATE when nurses do that! I know they don't mean to be mean but still. And I say vent your inner thoughts, yes they may be a little triggering but they're aren't posting thinspo for goodness sakes! Stay strong sweetie!

Cammy said...

Ugh, we should seriously poll the blog community and write a book with all the dumbass things medical staff/doctors do around ED patients. So sorry it was a rough day. But really, you didn't weigh any more today than you did yesterday, and that day was better, right? It's just an arbitrary number, it doesn't mean anything unless you allow it to. Now I know that is WAY easier said than done, of course, but tis true nevertheless.

Remember that the ED will tell you you're shamefully huge no matter what your weight is, there are people that go to their graves scrutinizing imaginary flesh in the mirror. Try to keep in mind that what you see and perceive is not necessarily what everyone else sees...and even if they did (they don't!) screw them. You're a seriously fantabulous person for tons of reasons that could never be measured with a number.

Hang in there, tomorrow is a new chance to have a good day and enjoy being Lisa, because that is definitely something to celebrate. <3 Please take care.

Em said...

You are doing the right thing. You are doing the healthy thing, even if it's difficult. There are so many people who are proud of you. Don't let this derail you.

Sarah (your sister) said...

Offer to punch the nurse in the face still stands.

You're a beautiful, awesome, fantastic rock star of a sister. Don't let a number convince you otherwise. And if it tries to, that's when you call me.

Sarah said...

I agree with everyone ready to punch this moron in the face...or stomach, just to return the favor.

I am SO sorry. I understand your feelings of being mad at the size you are at and yet--YET--I suggest that you stay with what you are doing. The weight I gained past my minimum healthy weight (and then past that) has actually "evened out" a little over the last year and now I don't mind it or notice it very much. You adapt to a new threshold of what "normal" looks like for your body, and it is FAR better to have a threshold where you can live and enjoy your life and have wine and cheese...vs the hell of an eating disorder. Thinking of you.