Thursday, May 20, 2010


Hypocrisy, a double standard. Whatever you want to call it, I have it.

I preach it - as much as a befuddled agnostic can preach anything. BMI is silly! The ideal of thinness is a cultural construction foisted upon the public by the media! The "war on obesity" is ridiculous! C'mon Michelle Obama, that little girl didn't care about veggies, she cared about her mom's immigration status!

But this week I've been basing my self-worth on my weight, the food that I eat (or don't), the exercise that I do.

What is wrong with me? I am letting fucking number rule my life. NO ONE CARES BUT ME. Jim does not care. My mother does not care. My students do not care (although one asked if I was pregnant and another one apparently likes my boobs). BUT I CARE. I care.

I don't want to trigger. I don't want to be a wet blanket. But this is what my head is like now.


ola said...

It is not hypocrisy if you admitt it! It is just automatic, default thinking Lisa.
Sometimes I am also angry on myself, because I hate when some people on facebook describe and discuss their before-summer-dieting and then I lay in bed and I hate I can't allow myself to loose weight and think about previous day and I judge it according to weight/eaten and burned calories/pants and not according to my studium, my work, my patients, experiences. They don't care as well. They don't see XX kilos or muscles, fat tights and no more protruding hipbones. I do. Sometimes. I hate it and the more Ihate it the more I am reaking out. I don't have any recipe for overcomming it, for me lot of friends and lot of work works.

Anonymous said...

I still have days like this. I get a really good run of a few days where it stops mattering, then whack, straight back to what feels like square one. Only that is worse, because that is both being "normal sized" but also being "ED minded" so wrong on both counts. Then I eventually get myself to realise that a) I'm normal healthy sized - I win, and b) I noticed that thinking that way is an aberration and upsets me - I win.

You've already won Lisa, it just doesn't feel that way. Give yourself a break, you deserve one.

Lola x

Sarah said...

I hear "Mrs. ___, are you pregnant?" about 2x/week with my students. They are young and say whatever comes to mind, AND they don't understand about post-lunch bloating. I'm sorry you have to go through this, but please know that for me at least it is always alternated with "you're so tiny!" and "have you lost weight?" People are stupid and their comments reflect so many varying weird viewpoints. I know you say their comments don't make or break you, but I know that I personally begin the internal monologue and freakout when prompted by some of their comments. Try to chill as much as possible and remind yourself that NO MATTER WHAT, no matter if you gained 100 or 10 pounds, you would still be worthwhile human being.