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I made the list I mentioned in the last post. If you will indulge me, I shall share some of it with you.
Under things I have improved:
- Fat talk/body issue talk in everyday circumstances. I used to bitch all the time about being lumpy/chunky/a horking cow, and it was taking a toll. I thought it was just bothering Jim, but once I made a conscious effort to stop it, I realized what it had been doing to me, too.
- Leaving work at work - you know I used to bring it aaaalllll home with me. I cried a lot. Now - when I drive home, I let it fly out the window behind me. In a metaphorical sense. I drive home on 495, so there's too much traffic and exhaust for me to open the windows.
- Food outlook. Many fewer foods fall under the "not safe" umbrella. I went to a buffet with Jim last weekend. Woot.
Under things with which I've made progress:
- Exercise outlook. I joined a really great gym and have started a weight-training program. It's still a struggle to avoid overdoing it - "if 30 minutes is good, then an hour must be GREAT" - but overall I'm feeling stronger.
- Catastrophic thinking: Thank you, New Therapist, for putting a name to that "OMG I AM A FAILURE" thinking that has pretty much been how I respond to making mistakes. When I fuck up, the world does not end. I knew this, given that I have perpetrated countless fuckups and the sun still rises. But now I have a better way to conceptualize it. If that makes sense.
- Sponteneity: "Want to go out for dinner?" Jim asks. I don't panic any more. I'm doing much better about loosening my death grip on routine.
- Looking to the future: Jim and I want to go to Spain. We want to move. We might someday buy a house. Thinking of those things makes my daily life so much more bearable - it reminds me that this life I have now is not forever.
Under things that still need progress:
- Negative body talk before social outings: this is my weak point. Before we go out with friends, all I can see are my muffin tops, my love handles, my stomach pooch. And then I get frustrated. I still usually have a good time, but it's an unnecessary stressor.
- "The voice:" None of you has heard this, and consider yourself lucky for that. In some stressful situations - namely, when something happens while driving with Jim - my voice goes up about five octaves.
- Worrying about stupid things. Tackling my anxiety is a Big Job.
- Inertia: this is a hallmark of my depression - everything is too much effort. It's not. I just need to find a way to remind myself of this.
Eek, that was pretty long. Thanks for staying with me.
This winter is getting to me. I feel incredibly stuck.
The snow isn't melting fast enough and I can't figure out if I'm just unable to see past it. Classic pathetic fallacy - monotonous snow, monotonous me. I am boring. And then from "boring" I slip into finding all my other faults.
Okay. In the past I would have just let myself do this until spring, but my mother and I have spent too much time in therapy for that. I am not boring. I have done things. I will do things. And every day, I'm trying to be a better person - even if that just means letting me be me.
Everything you are seeing in the news is true - there is a ridiculous amount of snow out there. And it's still falling. I don't know how there can be any more snow in the atmosphere, anywhere, but apparently there is and it's cascading down on Alexandria, VA.
We've had a couple scary moments without power - Sunday night we lost it for a few hours and today we lost it for about ten minutes. But who knows, it's supposed to start blowing like a sonafgun in a few hours.
As far as my own condition - I'm feeling a lot better. Not 100%, but I've actually felt the glimmerings of an appetite.
I certainly wasn't eating normally during this illness - I was eating anything that would stay down. Vegetables, which I normally love, were kind of repulsive. Instead I've been nibbling bread, crackers, and hard cheese since ... Friday? Criminy that's a long time. And today, during a brief outing, I bought a bag of Sweet & Salty Chex mix because hey, it looked good. I've also been drinking orange juice - that sugary calorie bomb we're always being warned about (*eye roll*). I need the liquids!
Maybe one good thing will come out of this - I'll remember that I need to listen to my body and give it what it wants (as much as possible).
On Friday, due to the approaching Snowpocalypse/Snomageddon, DCPS let out at 12:00. Which is good, because around 2:30 my guts decided to rebel. Friday, Saturday and today have involved a lot of bathroom time. Today is better, but feeling slightly less shitty is still ... shitty.
I'm so sick I can't bring myself to care.
I just can't win. Or I can win for a little while, but then I start losing again.
At least I'm doing better in some ways. I'm not constantly beating myself up for my failures at work. I'm doing the best I can with what I have, which isn't much - in terms of experience or assistance in the classroom.
I'm trying so hard to leave it at work. I can't bring everything home with me and dump it on Jim. I think I'm getting better at that, but sometimes it sucks all day and it just implodes as soon as you stop moving.
Thank god for The Office and 30 Rock. And for our Groundhog's Day liquor potluck this weekend.
I just can't think of what to write.
What with work issues, I haven't written much about food issues.
Well, they are still there. As in I feel huge, nothing fits right, and I am horrified by my stomach.
I think about so many bloggers I follow, so many great men and women who have worked hard to like the bodies they have - just as they are. They don't look at celebrities or passers-by and agonize about why they aren't as thin. They genuinely like food AND their own bodies. And I can't.
Is this ever going to stop? I have no idea how to accept myself.
You know it's bad when you start watching Dirty Jobs and you start to think hey, that might be kind of fun.
...
that I don't want to go back to work?
... that I am the laziest bride ever? I designed our save-the-dates and invites using Microsoft Publisher templates.
... that I feel like the sloppiest, jiggliest, squishiest person ever?
... that I hate lesson planning? I should be doing that now instead of blogging.
... that I cried multiple times during our viewing of Up last night?
... that not only am I a lazy bride, I'm kind of a lazy blogger and I use gimmicks sometimes?
Oh readers. I love you so.
The holidays have come and gone. We spent an entire week - a busy, car-trip-filled week (sorry and I love you, Jim) in Ohio with our families. I love them - my family and his. Thank you, whatever cosmic/godly/karmic forces there may be, for giving me future in-laws that I like very much.
And now we're back. I'm sitting in a Panera, selfishly taking up a table for four with all my crap, staring down the mountain of work that I did not even THINK about during my one-week vacation.
I don't want to go back to work. Ever.
1. The D.C. metro area is being socked by the BIGGEST MOST MAJOR-EST SNOWSTORM OF 2009 OMG GEEZ buy toilet paper. It's actually almost as bad as local newsmedia (hi Matt!) is making it out to be - we have pretty substantial drifts in the parking lot.
2. Yesterday I tried on pants that I haven't worn in a while and they did not fit. And I did not freak out. They were too small and they looked too small - like, ludicrously small. I thought to myself, I'm not the same person I was eighteen months ago, so it's okay if my body isn't the same, either.
3. Today that justification seems a little thin (no pun ... okay sorry).
4. In addition to being stuck in a job and a body I'm not currently fond of, now I'm stuck in the apartment. But I like the place and I like the company I have, so it's really not so bad.
God love my Secret Santa, but I ate about 2.5 servings of peanut M&Ms today. I'm trying to let it go, forgive myself, and rationalize it by saying that at least I got some protein.
....and fail. Nope. Beating myself to pieces over this.
Welcome to the Self-Loathing spiral, where everything you think about is further proof of what a shitty person you are. Especially thinking about how much you think about yourself! Selfish, narcissistic, whiny.
I got sick this morning in my classroom and went home. Thank goodness I have a bathroom in my classroom.
I thought I was just sick, but once I got home and slept for two hours, I realized it was a panic attack. I've never had one make me puke before, so that threw me.
I feel like such a failure for going home. I'm starting to think the same voice that's always telling me to try harder, to be stronger, to be better is the same voice that was always telling me to be thin, to be better.
1. I am scared shitless about this week and the big review. A bird flying into my classroom would be the least of my worries (that really happened this past Thursday).
2. My hair has finally grown out a little from my recent disastrous haircut and is starting to look normal again. This is probably racist or discriminatory, but I need to find an inexpensive salon where the language barrier between me and the stylists is not so great.
3. I'm so, so afraid that people will give up on me. I'm afraid that I will give up on me. I really am quite fearful that people will drop out of my life, which is strange because I don't have a history of abandonment.
4. I'm frustrated that my new therapy sessions aren't immediately having a miraculous effect. Which is silly, because I know from great experience that while therapy is many things, it is not fast.
5. More about therapy - my new doc, Dr. L (actually a grad student, but whatev) looks exactly like a younger version of Dr. M. Their mannerisms are completely different, but the eyes are eerily similar.
6. Jim makes the. best. black bean soup EVER. I could eat bowlfuls of the stuff and not care about the resultant gastric distress.
7. Instead of a tree, we put up lights around our hydroponic garden. I'll post a picture later.
My classroom - not just my school, but my classroom in particular - is being inspected by the FEDERAL Head Start next week. Yeah. NOW everyone above me is finally paying attention and realizing that I never received the training, support and supplies that I was supposed to - because I didn't even know they existed. And if I go down, they go down too.
Motherfuck.
The week at school started out magnificently crappy and then got better toward the end. I'm trying so, so hard not to derive my self-worth from others - something I'm beginning to realize I've done all my life. Just because I was me didn't mean jack - I still needed to be something good, anything, in someone else's eyes. I didn't have - and I still have trouble finding - a sense of intrinsic worth.
But Friday and Saturday were okay. I went out both nights (nothing wild or crazy, just some time with Jim and a friend) and I managed not to cry or feel horrible about myself.
I have an appointment with a new psychologist on Tuesday. We'll see how that goes.
Or, Why People from the Midwest Should Undergo Training before Moving to a Large City:
I am walking to the metro from Gallaudet University, where I was attending TFA professional development. I pass two middle-aged men waiting for a bus. I make eye contact, and because I am from SE Ohio, I smile.
Man 1: How you doing?
Me: I'm good, thanks.
Man 1: Lookin' good.
Sigh.
I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't know where my head is half the time. I'm itchy. I can't sit still.
I'm at a loss, but I don't know what for.
