"Chill"

My boyfriend has been telling me to do that for two weeks. I thought about it yesterday and realized the last time I was really relaxed was lying on the couch in the hotel suite, watching What Not to Wear. We were too full from lunch to do anything else. Since then I can't remember a time when I just vegged, when I thought of everything and nothing. There's always something to do, or something to worry about, or some part of my body that needs attention and pinching.

Some people can relax easily and are good at dealing with anxiety. It's part of their makeup and who they are. Some people are also naturally gifted at basketball or painting. I am none of these things. I have to make an effort.

I've been trying to think of things to do to relax. One is to take a nap. Another is to hang out with some friends, but recently even that has been intruded upon by my body issues and anxiety. One is to watch a really good movie, one that sucks me in and doesn't allow anything else to intrude. I watched The Way We Were last night with my roommates, and aside from loving Robert Redford and thinking both of the main characters were kind of annoying, I didn't get much out of it.

Going for a walk is probably my favorite way to relax, but it's 27 degrees right now. Maybe if I talk about a walk it'll give you an idea. Jim and I used to go for walks in the spring. There's a biking/walking path that runs by the Hocking River (or "river," seeing as it's about 4 feet deep at most), and we'd head out there when it was starting to get dark. At first I got unnerved by the quiet, but eventually I learned - with some effort - just to relax and enjoy how everything felt and smelled. One night we passed a grassy hollow that was filled with fireflies - it was so beautiful. Those walks always made me feel better.