Sunday, January 25, 2009

Getting a grip

For someone who was just accepted into a highly competitive service program (that's right, you Ivy-Leaguers, I go to PUBLIC SCHOOL), I have certainly been treating myself like shit. Mentally, that is.

Okay. So we don't know why, exactly, my stomach is looking a little bulbous. Or my hips and thighs, for that matter. I'll admit to slacking on my ab exercises lately, and maybe I'm adding too much apple butter to my oatmeal and having too many crackers between meals. Whatever. We've established that this is a scary thing.

Frustrating as it is, I have to recognize that trying to "get control" is always dangerous for me. I don't like it, but I'm going to try to accept it. And I am going to try the food journal for a couple of week. If it makes me antsy or crazy, I'll confess to my sister and she'll whup some sense into me. Or I'll confess it here and y'all will do that.

I keep feeling like I have to explain myself. I don't want this to be a relapse. I've FINALLY got things at least a little together and I don't want to mess that up. I want to figure out why my body
suddenly seems to be a stranger, and if there's anything I can do to get back in touch with it.


Cammy said...

Please be careful Lisa. I myself am very, very wary of food journals. It just seems like it is a very easy avenue to obsession and guilt. I can't tell you what will/won't work for you, but please just be careful. I know that coming to terms with a new body shape is frustrating and alienating and just plain hell sometimes, but you will never have a chance to adjust to it if you let the ED come in and yank you backwards every time.
I don't mean to preach, just concerned. Remember that we are supposed to have a shape, and that sometimes our own perceptions are very unreliable.
Please take care and treat yourself kindly.

Gaining Back My Life said...

Lisa, just my two cents' worth. I think you may be feeling a little overwhelmed with everything this new job offers/requires - moving, new city, new friends, high expectations. No wonder you're worried about a relapse.

However, I know you have it within you to continue down the road of recovery.

p.s. I know I'm getting better when I stop keeping a food journal. Like Cammy said, please be careful.


MelissaS said...

Congratulations for all you've achieved and all the good things that are happening for you.

on the ED front, have you read ED Bites about our set points. it's so important. our bodies know what they need and want to weigh.

i'm not a nutritionist, but i can only think your body is beginning to re-adjust to food. give it a chance to find it's way. trust in the professionals. and what your body is telling you -- it wants to thrive

Anonymous said...