Friday, January 23, 2009

Frustrated

I can't stop thinking about my stomach. With a million other important things to be thinking about, I keep pinching and smushing every five minutes or so. Eating a normal-sized meal makes me globby.

My headspace is not so good right now. It's been going on for a while - I managed to transfer it to TFA stuff - but I can't stop berating myself. It's not that I want to restrict - it's that I know I can't restrict. All that willpower? All that stuff that made me so good and wonderful? Gone. Nada. Bake a pan of brownies and I'll eat one. Having a cider? Thanks, I'll have one too. And I know, I know, I know I shouldn't, but I compare myself to other people all the time. When other people eat normally, they don't puff out. Me, I even come close to a normal diet and I gain weight uncontrollably.

Arrgghgh. The only word I can think of to describe this is toxic, as melodramatic as that sounds. I can't fucking sit in a desk chair without feeling, to use a homegrown colloquialism, "like ten pounds of shit in a five-pound bag." Charming, I know, but it fits.

I finally had my head and my body synched up, and now my head is backsliding while my body, oblivious, continues gaining. I can't wait for the fucking day someone says "You? You were anorexic?" with that goddamn tone that very few people know and no one loves.

3 comments:

Just Eat It! said...

Perhaps it is not "willpower," you've lost, but instead have gained more awareness of what your body is asking for. Your body wants a brownie? You have a brownie.

Gaining Back My Life said...

These aren't signs of weakness, love.

They mean you are recovering and your ed DOES NOT LIKE IT.

But it doesn't belong in your life. Life is meant to be enjoyed, not suffocated (and I would tend to say AN is pretty suffocating).

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