Monday, September 22, 2008


This weekend I ate ... normally. In that because I was starving after the wedding, I had seconds of the green beans (it helped that they were delicious) and two rolls. In that I, Lisa, recovering anorexic, ate wedding cake. I worked at Kroger - I know quite well the nutritional facts on buttercreme frosting. And I ate it anyway. At Jim's house, I devoured pomegranate salsa, chunky guacamole, pretzels, cheese and crackers. I didn't have the pizza they ordered, but that was mainly because I would have exploded. I even had a couple of toasted marshmallows and two Woodchuck Ciders. I wasn't Jim's Oddly Skinny Girlfriend Who Doesn't Eat - I was just Jim's Girlfriend, Lisa, who has a healthy appetite and laughs appropriately.

Writing down everything I ate makes me anxious, as it always does. It was a lot. But it's not out of the ordinary for a (very-soon-to-be) 22-year-old college student to eat more on the weekends than she does during the week. It's not out of the ordinary for her to exercise and eat healthfully most of the time and splurge once in a while. Concave stomachs and hollow cheeks, I've learned, are NOT normal.

I'm normal, or at least approaching it. And you know what? People still like me. I don't have to prove that I'm somehow superhuman and don't need to listen to and feed my body. I can have a belly and people will. Still. Like me.

But the question remains - will I like myself?


OldeWhig said...

Like you. Love you. And give you shiny things.

Emily said...

it seems that I am in the same spot as you in recovery. For me, this is a scary place to be in, because my ed is a comfort zone for me.

I still struggle, though, with weight obsession and extraordinarily bad body image and body dysmorphia. I wonder sometimes if I will ever fully recover mentally.

Anyway, just letting you know that you are not alone. And I am proud of you for eating a piece of wedding cake! Pomegranate salsa sounds delicious. Too bad pomegranates interact with my meds.

Lisa said...

Oh, oldewhig, you make me smile. And glitter.

You'll get there, Emily. We both will. And I'm really sorry pomegranates are off-limits. There are strawberry and peach salsas out there that would be a good alternative.

Cammy said...

I'm so glad that you allowed yourself to have a good weekend, and that you're learning to refuse to let the disease box you in anymore. I identified a lot with your post, I am slowly moving forward in recovery and have been shocked to realize that people still take me seriously, still listen to me, are still just as interested in me, etc etc, without that safety blanket of a disorder I used to think I was armoring myself with. I am even more shocked to realize that I also still see myself as me, sans ed, and maybe even more than before. It's interesting, hard to process at first, isn't it? You have a LOT to be proud of, keep on hanging in there and thanks for sharing your insights!