Wednesday, October 28, 2009


I can't move forward, I can't move back.

I've been doing well about cutting out the fat-talk. But the fat-thinking? Ohh, that's still there.

I look in the mirror and I know I've gained weight. My stomach is different. My hips are different. But I don't know how much I've gained, because I haven't weighed myself in months. Good lord - not since January. So when I say I want to lose weight, I don't know what I'm really saying.

I'm eating things now that a year ago I would never have considered. Last weekend I had a fucking enchilada, cooked for me by a couple we're friends with. An ENCHILADA.

Do I want to give up these new things? Do I want to give up the freedom I'm starting to have with food and drink? Give up candy corn, cider, wine? Okay let's be serious, I'm never going to give up the grape. But do I want to go back to non-stop gum-chewing at social functions? No alcohol due to the empty calories? No crunchy cereal at night before bed?

What do I give up? What do I change?


Sarah (your sister) said...

I know my opinion does not really count because I am your sister and all, but when I saw you at dinner a couple of weeks ago, I was struck by how absolutely beautiful you looked, and how happy you seemed.

Hang in there, hon.

Harriet said...

Well, there is a middle ground. I think giving up candy corn wouldn't be too difficult. Or at least cutting back. That's a once a year treat anyway. Cider? Have a glass every now and then. Wine? A couple a week. Enchiladas? Sure, but not every day. Maybe once a month, and eat healthy stuff the rest of the day. Everything in moderation.

I Hate to Weight said...

lisa, i read this when you first posted and it has stayed with me.

when you say you can't go backward and can't move forward -- i know that in so many facets of my life. a therapist once told me it was okay to sit with ambivalence. when you don't know what to do, it's kind of best not to do much. just be in the moment.

re; food and drink. you ask the questions i ask myself constantly. my natural body weight isn't thin, so if i want to be thin, i make a lot of decisions all the time.

imagine not caring so much and having enchiladas if we felt like it, wine when we truly wanted it and candy corn -- well, i don't really like candy corn.

you're doing amazingly. doing many things you wouldn't even have considered last year. you go, teach!