Sunday, September 20, 2009

Thinking about food (trigger warning)

There's a KitKat commercial on TV that shows people working in cubicles, taking time out to blissfully enjoy the chocolate-covered wafery goodness of a Kitkat. Men, women, black, white, Asian - all of them taking a bite and savoring it.

It made me realize I could never do that. I could never walk to a vending machine and select a KitKat. I could never tote it back to my cubicle (or classroom) and unwrap it. I could never sit down, eat the KitKat, throw away the wrapper, and go back to my life.

No. I can't eat food without thinking about it. If I do - Jim made candied walnuts the other day and I ate a ton of them - later on it comes back to haunt me. I can't just make a meal. I stand in the kitchen and agonize - what will fill me up with the fewest calories? What will give me the most nutrition for the fewest calories? What will taste good?

There's a tug-of-war, always, in my head. No, don't eat that, says one part of my brain. And then the other part says Go ahead, have a little cashew butter. Have a triscuit. Have a bite of sugar-free pudding. Eat eat eat, it'll make you feel better. But of course it doesn't, I feel like shit.

Not that it matters. No matter what I eat I will never, ever be thin.

It doesn't matter. It shouldn't matter. But it does.


Silly Girl said...

I know the feeling. My son and I love Kit Kats. I love watching his eyes light up while eating. Maybe someday I will get back to that point where I enjoy food.

ola said...

You're right- food nor won't make you feel better. But not eating'll make you feel much worse.

I can't tell you anything wise, because mostly I feel just like you.

There is an exercise we did in ed center : imagine you are rising a child. You want provide him the best nutrition you can. You want your kid eat healthy, but enjoys food, discover new things, feels loved when you nourish him/her.
Now imagine your eating disorder is not your enemy or abusive husband, it's just this kid, part of your body you love and want the best for him/her. First nourish your kid like newborn. Then you can move to explaining him what is eating about. Finally, you can leave him/her with own decisions and preferences and just supervise him. What would you say him Lisa?
What would you feed yourself if you were your own daughter or son?