There's a KitKat commercial on TV that shows people working in cubicles, taking time out to blissfully enjoy the chocolate-covered wafery goodness of a Kitkat. Men, women, black, white, Asian - all of them taking a bite and savoring it.
It made me realize I could never do that. I could never walk to a vending machine and select a KitKat. I could never tote it back to my cubicle (or classroom) and unwrap it. I could never sit down, eat the KitKat, throw away the wrapper, and go back to my life.
No. I can't eat food without thinking about it. If I do - Jim made candied walnuts the other day and I ate a ton of them - later on it comes back to haunt me. I can't just make a meal. I stand in the kitchen and agonize - what will fill me up with the fewest calories? What will give me the most nutrition for the fewest calories? What will taste good?
There's a tug-of-war, always, in my head. No, don't eat that, says one part of my brain. And then the other part says Go ahead, have a little cashew butter. Have a triscuit. Have a bite of sugar-free pudding. Eat eat eat, it'll make you feel better. But of course it doesn't, I feel like shit.
Not that it matters. No matter what I eat I will never, ever be thin.
It doesn't matter. It shouldn't matter. But it does.