Monday, July 20, 2009

Arrgghh

Am having a slight panic attack. About my lesson plans? No. About closing the achievement gap? No.

No. I am sitting here panicking over my goddamn love handles. In under five weeks of little exercise and dining-hall salads (which are not your typical salads) and cereal I have become enormous.

And yeah, I know this is stupid, and compared to everyone else I'm probably not eating all that much. But fuck comparisons, I'm me and I'm eating way more than I normally do. And without exercise (and with an impending period) I have become the fucking Hindenburg.

I hate, hate hate how I can seemingly make so much "progress" and still think that because I'm fat I'm worthless. No one else's worth is contingent on their mass. Just mine. And believe me, I would give anything to stop being this "special."

I have a job, I have a fiance I love more than anything, I have the best friends a girl could hope for. Why can't I let this one thing go?

4 comments:

Wrapped up in Life said...

I hear you, on every point. I finally admitted out loud yeserday that my body is not happy where it is at; that I need to gain some weight and quit striving and working so hard at being where I am right now.

Even though it's the right thing, it's hard.

Kristina said...

I don't know if this happens to you, but when I'm thrown out of my element in other ways, I do focus on food and weight. I don't think that it's about the always-thrown-about "control", but it is just this place that I go, unfailingly, when I'm out of sorts and in new and difficult situations.
Five weeks is a VERY long time, I think, to be without those familiar anchors.
I hope the end is near (not in a Biblical sense).
Take care!

Tiptoe said...

So sorry you're struggling with this. I agree with Kristina that when it a different environment, away from your familiars, it is easy to focus on your body, food, and weight. It is really hard to let go even when you are i8n a far better place than you once were. Hang in there. It isn't much longer is it?

Are you doing other things while there that you are enjoying? Any outings with the other people?

Sarah said...

Why can't you let it go? Because you have a brain problem. It's the same reason that my sister can't just be happy--she has depression, a brain problem. Don't knock yourself for not being able to let it go. Focus on coping with it and acting appropriately anyway.

I'm with Kristina, too--stress really amplifies my body image/eating issues. Just do what you need to do and know that life will get better--you will get better--if you just keep working at it, even when you hate it.