Friday, August 27, 2010

Unexpectedly

I did not think that, at the end of the first week, school would actually not be my biggest concern. The week was okay. I did not flip out. I did not shed one work-related tear.

I am more upset about things going on in my family. My youngest sisters are not liking college so much after being there a week. This brouhaha is bringing up issues and habits that have gone untouched for years.

My sister and I, and my brother (in different ways) were pushed to achieve. We were never allowed to quit - a sport, a job, a class. You started it, you fulfilled the commitment you made. We were challenged - take the AP classes. Stop reading and go practice algebra (this was actually a common theme). I think it was different for my youngest sisters - there wasn't the pushing, but then also the expectations weren't as high. They weren't told they could do the things the older kids did.

I feel like maybe I wasn't a good role model for them. Maybe I didn't try to motivate them enough myself. Maybe I didn't let them know that I think they are amazing people who can do any
thing they want. Maybe I didn't let them know enough that I believe in them, I believe in them so fucking much. I love them and they are marvelous people; if I had told them that more often, maybe they wouldn't be feeling the way they are now.

I'm 600 miles away - I can't shake them and hug them like I want to. I can't go back in time and tell them all the things I should have told them


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Chimpanzee family says if we'd spent more time grooming, we wouldn't have this problem.



4 comments:

Silly Girl said...

It tough being the oldest but I bet you have done a good job as a role model.

I Hate to Weight said...

it's normal not to like college. i didn't. i always wanted to leave and go home. the first week was particularly scarey for me.

i hope they settle in and get a little more comfortable. are they together?

YOU are not responsible. you were not the parent. but it does sound like you were a great role model.

glad school was okay!

Tiptoe said...

Glad to hear the first week of school went okay.

As for your youngest sisters, college transitions are tough. It takes time to learn how to be on your own. Maybe this part of it for them?

I'm sure you were a good role model. Maybe talk to them about how they are feeling? Even if you felt you may not have given them as much encouragement as you thought they needed, you can always do so now.

Anonymous said...

it's fantastic that your first week was ok!

I can just second Tiptoe- first weeks in college are tough and chaotic, but it is NORMAL to feel confused and homesick. And- please don't blame yourself for your sisters' situations. I am sure you are great sister- you did what you could and now you can hug them via skype and say them all those sisters' things and the things you are writing about!
Hugs ola