Stagflation

I can't move forward, I can't move back.

I've been doing well about cutting out the fat-talk. But the fat-thinking? Ohh, that's still there.

I look in the mirror and I know I've gained weight. My stomach is different. My hips are different. But I don't know how much I've gained, because I haven't weighed myself in months. Good lord - not since January. So when I say I want to lose weight, I don't know what I'm really saying.

I'm eating things now that a year ago I would never have considered. Last weekend I had a fucking enchilada, cooked for me by a couple we're friends with. An ENCHILADA.

Do I want to give up these new things? Do I want to give up the freedom I'm starting to have with food and drink? Give up candy corn, cider, wine? Okay let's be serious, I'm never going to give up the grape. But do I want to go back to non-stop gum-chewing at social functions? No alcohol due to the empty calories? No crunchy cereal at night before bed?

What do I give up? What do I change?

Mind Games

I am sick. My throat hurts, my head hurts. It's actually not as bad as it was this weekend, but it's still pretty unpleasant. And I'm exhausted - the kids were nuts today.

So I'm not going to work out. I'm going to take a nap and then I'm going to do some work and cook some spaghetti squash and then I will watch Mad Men with Jim.

Having made this decision, my brain is SCREAMING at me to work out because my fat lazy ass hasn't been on an elliptical since Thursday and holy cow, that's right COW I'm so huge it's not funny.

I just want to get some rest.

Got to admit

It's getting better. A little bit at a time. The past three days my aide has been out, which is usually a recipe for disaster. But I've had an AMAZING parent step in and help out most days, and today I had eleven out of my usual 16 - it is sicky season. I am sick myself - sore throat, stuffy nose etc. But yesterday and today I think I actually TAUGHT something. And my kids fucking understand syllables.

And Jim is amazing. Of course.

Week in review

Or not, because last week was so epically bad that I never even want to think about it again. I managed to piss off so many people, from people at work to parents to Jim. Jim. Of all the people I do not want to piss off, I pissed off Jim and ruined the Friday night that was supposed to be my respite from the crap of work.

But I digress.

Last week was so, so bad that it forced me to take a really hard look at myself. I looked at my attitude, my actions, my words. It was kind of like when I look in the mirror before I take a shower - troubling. I found a lot of things that made me squirm. A lot of things that I want to change.

Of course change is hard and scary and whatnot. But I have to do it, or I'll keep having shitty weeks and pissing off the one person who's keeping me together.

Bad days

Two terrible days in a row. I mean full out awful, complete with yelling and lectures. And Jim feels sick.

Can I handle another one?

Home and home

I went home this weekend to see my family and get my car. Oh goodness. My family. They surprised me by bringing my older sister - I hadn't seen her since Easter! Everybody got along and there was good food and I ATE and I don't hate myself for it.

Now I'm home in D.C. (two homes, eh?) and there is a shiny car in the parking lot that is mine (well, after we get it registered). On the drive back I read The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. Cheesy, yes I know. But I really think it helped. I'm setting goals. I'm taking action. I am going to be a good teacher, a good wife-to-be, and a good person. I think.

I'm just trying to like myself, regardless of what anyone else thinks of me. If you've never done it, it's harder than you might imagine.

Going home

Back in my RIDIC GMU class. We have been here an HOUR and have yet to discuss content.

But I digress.

I am going back to Ohio this weekend! Jim and I are leaving early-early on Saturday and spending the night with his family. My parents and younger sisters are coming up and we'll all eat dinner and hopefully the experience will not be terribly awkward. And then I WILL HAVE A CAR. For the first time in my life, I will have a car of which I will be the primary driver. It's a Buick Century, nothing flashy, but it drives and it will reduce my commute by 45-60 minutes. That means MORE SLEEP for tired Miss Howison. I am Miss Frazzle, not Miss Frizzle.

Aieeee

A snapshot in my brain:

Ohmygod you ate so much pizza jesushchrist stoppit lessonplansaaaaahhhh you don't have time fatfatfatfat fattttyyyyyyy gaah howonearth will you ever behungryagain fatfatfat

You get the picture. And I sit here very calmly while Jim and our friend play video games on our new tv and they have no idea I'm about to go into the bathroom and hyperventilate for a little bit.

I am SO FUCKING SICK of this. Recover already, Lisa. Enough of this in-between shit.

But can you ever really leave it all behind?

Moving Images

Today I endured something that can be excruciating for anyone, let alone someone in recovery from an eating disorder: I watched myself on film. On Wednesday my TFA mentor came in and taped the beginning of my day. We watched the film today during my planning period.

Awful as it was, I learned a shit ton. We talked about some solutions that would be quick, easily implemented, and would go a long way to improving things.

I also realized that no, I'm not thin and lithe but I am also not a fatass. Not. A fatass. Of course I hate the way I look naked but at least in clothes, I'm okay.

And I have good hair.