The Holidays

The holidays have come and gone. We spent an entire week - a busy, car-trip-filled week (sorry and I love you, Jim) in Ohio with our families. I love them - my family and his. Thank you, whatever cosmic/godly/karmic forces there may be, for giving me future in-laws that I like very much.

And now we're back. I'm sitting in a Panera, selfishly taking up a table for four with all my crap, staring down the mountain of work that I did not even THINK about during my one-week vacation.

I don't want to go back to work. Ever.

Randoms in the snow

1. The D.C. metro area is being socked by the BIGGEST MOST MAJOR-EST SNOWSTORM OF 2009 OMG GEEZ buy toilet paper. It's actually almost as bad as local newsmedia (hi Matt!) is making it out to be - we have pretty substantial drifts in the parking lot.

2. Yesterday I tried on pants that I haven't worn in a while and they did not fit. And I did not freak out. They were too small and they looked too small - like, ludicrously small. I thought to myself, I'm not the same person I was eighteen months ago, so it's okay if my body isn't the same, either.

3. Today that justification seems a little thin (no pun ... okay sorry).

4. In addition to being stuck in a job and a body I'm not currently fond of, now I'm stuck in the apartment. But I like the place and I like the company I have, so it's really not so bad.

Peanut M&Ms

God love my Secret Santa, but I ate about 2.5 servings of peanut M&Ms today. I'm trying to let it go, forgive myself, and rationalize it by saying that at least I got some protein.

....and fail. Nope. Beating myself to pieces over this.

Stuck

Welcome to the Self-Loathing spiral, where everything you think about is further proof of what a shitty person you are. Especially thinking about how much you think about yourself! Selfish, narcissistic, whiny.

Fail confession

I got sick this morning in my classroom and went home. Thank goodness I have a bathroom in my classroom.

I thought I was just sick, but once I got home and slept for two hours, I realized it was a panic attack. I've never had one make me puke before, so that threw me.

I feel like such a failure for going home. I'm starting to think the same voice that's always telling me to try harder, to be stronger, to be better is the same voice that was always telling me to be thin, to be better.

Randoms

1. I am scared shitless about this week and the big review. A bird flying into my classroom would be the least of my worries (that really happened this past Thursday).

2. My hair has finally grown out a little from my recent disastrous haircut and is starting to look normal again. This is probably racist or discriminatory, but I need to find an inexpensive salon where the language barrier between me and the stylists is not so great.

3. I'm so, so afraid that people will give up on me. I'm afraid that I will give up on me. I really am quite fearful that people will drop out of my life, which is strange because I don't have a history of abandonment.

4. I'm frustrated that my new therapy sessions aren't immediately having a miraculous effect. Which is silly, because I know from great experience that while therapy is many things, it is not fast.

5. More about therapy - my new doc, Dr. L (actually a grad student, but whatev) looks exactly like a younger version of Dr. M. Their mannerisms are completely different, but the eyes are eerily similar.

6. Jim makes the. best. black bean soup EVER. I could eat bowlfuls of the stuff and not care about the resultant gastric distress.

7. Instead of a tree, we put up lights around our hydroponic garden. I'll post a picture later.

SHIT SHOW

My classroom - not just my school, but my classroom in particular - is being inspected by the FEDERAL Head Start next week. Yeah. NOW everyone above me is finally paying attention and realizing that I never received the training, support and supplies that I was supposed to - because I didn't even know they existed. And if I go down, they go down too.

Motherfuck.