Sunday, November 8, 2009

Not doing so well

Ruined another weekend night with Jim. I got upset over something stupid, then I kept beating myself up for getting upset, and then it just went downhill from there.

I try so hard to be less self-critical, but how do I just stop noticing all of my glaring faults? I try, I fail, and then I feel even worse because I'm a) failing and b) whoppingly self-centered. This kind of narcissism isn't the fun kind, people. It's the kind when you just can't think of anything else but what a craptastic person you are - lazy, boring, fat, self-centered, a shitty teacher, insecure, whiny.

I just feel paralyzed. I don't know how to make this better and I'm afraid it's going to make things even worse.


Sarah (your sister) said...

Oh, hon. I don't know what to say--give me a call if you want, any time ever. (You should know this, but it's always worth repeating.)

Harriet said...

I don't think that is really narcissism. It seems more obsessive to me. One of the best things my therapist ever said to me was "You're not special." He didn't mean it in the way I took it actually, but it made me realize that the world doesn't revolve around me as much as I think it does. I never realized that I think about myself so much, even though it's in a negative way. But he was right, I'm not special. So I need to cut it out, because I'm just regular. Maybe you're just regular too?

lisalisa said...

It sounds like maybe you are going through some depression. Are you taking any meds? Maybe you could add an extra therapy session into your schedule somehow.
I bet you are really a good teacher. Just showing up to the classroom and sticking through the day makes you a winner in my book! I ran Emma's class party and after 45 minutes I was ready to be outta there!

Sarah said...

You know, I really wanted to echo lisalisa's thoughts before I even knew she said them. Your posts have reflected a different Lisa than the blogger I first got to know. I know life is stressful, and that it may just be your situation that is causing you difficulty,stress, and sadness, but have you considered doing some type of therapy right now to help you through these tough times and the adjustment since you feel like you are overwhelming Jim?

I only ask because I wound up going back to therapy after a 1.5 year hiatus this May because I was basically feeling the way you have described. 6 sessions later, I had nothing left to talk about and there was a very noticeable positive difference in my mood and feelings. I found that I had to articulate two things that I was scared to say: I'm lonely, and marriage isn't meeting all of my dreams. Once I said them, I was able to work on them on my own, but I needed the safety and caring prodding of a therapist to be able to say the things at first. Are there things like this, like, "I hate my job" or "living with Jim isn't the 24/7 fun I expected" that you may just need to free yourself to say? Have you considered doing therapy right now?

We all care about you!