Tuesday, August 18, 2009

A year ago

A year ago a girl walked up behind me in the gym and asked, "Mike?"

Now you would never mistake me for a boy. You wouldn't think I ever had an eating disorder, either.

If this is recovery, why don't I feel happier? Why don't I like myself more?


lisbethsdragons said...

Two years ago, ticket "checkes" in cinemas didn't believe me I am 15 (I was 22).
Never asks me now and sometimes I find myself missing it and I hate both missing it (=not being fully recoveed) and not being small. However we have to remember ourselves we did great deal of work and our lifes are not about looking like teenage boys.

I think you don´t feel happier because you have difficult stressful days now -> great oppotunity for ED to push on.
Hang in there Lisa!

Anonymous said...

Maybe the lack of numbness that comes with recovery is deceptive because we often don't always feel happier than we used to. On the other hand, the pain and misery that the numbness blocked out may have been far worse than we remember - and so things could be improved, even on days we are miserable. This may not fit for you, but it's just a thought.

Harriet said...

Hmm, good questions. Maybe it takes more than recovery to like oneself? I wish I knew the answer.

I Hate to Weight said...

i agree with everyone here. you're going through a stressful time -- it's hard to be happy in these times.

recovery can be the hardest because we're stuck feeling those damn feelings. when i gave up alcohol, i was miserable. how was i going to deal with all this shit i could no longer anesthetize?

BUT. you can very impressed that you're in a tough time and you're managing and coping and hanging in there, even though that's very difficult to do.

AND. when i feel bummed that i can't drink, i remind myself how proud i am that i'm not drinking. maybe when you're bummed that you no longer look like "Mike", you can be so proud of all the work you've done. would Mike have had the strength and energy to do all you've done this year.

Wrapped up in Life said...

I would tend to believe that recovery is not supposed to be 'fun'. Actually, it pretty much sucks as much (if not more) as the road it took to get to the bottom.

It dies/will get better....hang in there!