The Bitch is Back

All right, y'all. I'm back. Thank you for the concern and care you guys showed in the comments on my last post. It meant a lot to me. I'm thinking that all the adjustment of moving and starting a new job (more on that in a minute) just got overwhelming. There have been tears. There have been small meltdowns. But I'm getting the hang of living a) where the traffic patterns are RIDICULOUS and b) in the same space as that guy, you know, the one I agreed to live with forever. We're doing well.

The big news - I got a job! I will be teaching Head Start to a bunch of four-year-olds. I've seen my classroom and set it up - it's enormous. Plenty of space, but not a lot of supplies: I don't have any paper, markers, blocks, manipulatives (those bears and blocks you used to count). Supposedly Head Start will send me things ... but I don't think I'll have them by Monday. I'll beg a dry-erase marker off another teacher and things will be fine. The other teachers, by the way, are some of the nicest women I've met in a long time. They're very no-nonsense, but I like that. I just hope I can figure out how to teach as well as they do. I also hope I can figure out the day's schedule, which I don't actually have. Hmm. Tomorrow's going to be interesting.

The body woes continue. I've had a couple of meltdowns that I'm not particularly proud of. I really, really am not happy with my body right now. I feel bad for putting Jim through my freakouts. Part of it is that our dryer shrinks everything, but part of it is just that I'm heavier than I have been in a long time.

So the journey continues. The anorexia is screaming in my head, but Jim's cooking delicious things, hell, I'm learning to cook delicious things, and there's nights out with friends. I feel like I can either have the body I want or eat potatoes and bread and dessert. It's tough. Duh. Y'all know that.

I need to go pick out my book for storytime tomorrow. I'll provide an update tomorrow.

Another apology

"If you can't say something nice, don't say nothin at all." --Thumper

I'm taking a break until I can say something that does not smack of self-pity and ig'nance.

Wanting

Right now I am seriously debating having lunch. Not debating what to have for lunch, but whether to have it at all. I feel hungry and that feels good.

Why is this suddenly happening? I stuff my face for weeks and now I think about skipping lunch?

What do you do when you're suddenly gobsmacked by the Do Not Eats?

A year ago

A year ago a girl walked up behind me in the gym and asked, "Mike?"

Now you would never mistake me for a boy. You wouldn't think I ever had an eating disorder, either.

If this is recovery, why don't I feel happier? Why don't I like myself more?

Worries

Current worries include:

Not getting a job. School starts in a week - even if I find out where I'm working tomorrow, that gives me only a week to plan ... everything.
Failing at being a roommate (and eventually, you know, a wife and all).
Continuing to gain weight.
Getting sick (I have a cough I can't shake).
Being a shitty teacher, whenever I actually do get in the classroom.

Guh. I am a bundle of nerves.

Keep on Keepin' On

I am spinning my wheels - actually, I'm spinning on the elliptical mostly. I don't have a placement, I still hate my body, blah blah blah.

Believe it or not, though, there are some things that make me happy. It takes a bit of mental scrounging, but here's a list:

1. My fiance. Living with Jim has taken some adjusting, but I can't get over how lucky I am to be living with my best friend and husband-to-be.

2. My friend Tamsin, who is living with us for a while. Not only has she valiantly put up with sleeping on our couch and having us wake her every morning, but she's one of the most fun people I know.

3. I do not currently have a job, but I will have one. At least I keep telling myself that.

4. The website F My Life. No matter how shitty my day has been, someone else has had it worse.

5. The Ikea website. Going through it is just so soothing.

6. Our mini-garden. Right before I moved in Jim planted herbs (basil, spicy basil, marjoram, rosemary, and a few others), and after I got there we planted hot peppers, habaneros, and bell peppers. The herbs have already been awesome and I can't wait to until the peppers (not the habaneros, though) are ripe.

7. Television. Holy moly, there is some awesomely bad stuff out there.

What are the things that make you happy right now?

Note to self 34,543

Dear Lisa:

You have been writing some exceedingly self-centered, triggering posts. It is time to get a grip. You have plenty of other things to deal with besides your love handle hang-ups. No, you don't have a placement yet, but you can think of what you want your classroom to look like and what your management strategies will be. You can draft a letter for your students' parents. You can think about data tracking and organization. You can actually start using your damn planner.

Oh, and you can enjoy yourself, too. You're living in a beautiful apartment with your fiance. That's quite a good thing.

And you can work on your body if you want to. You can get back to where you were before Institute - but it is not going to happen overnight.

Get over it. Get over yourself. Get a grip.

Impatience

I know I cannot get fit and toned in a week. I cannot expect my body to be what it was five weeks ago. But I'm not seeing ANY progress, and it's frustrating. I don't like the way I feel.

Deep breath. Patience is a virtue. I have time. When you do this too quickly is when the problems start.

Still waiting

I don't have a position yet. I can't figure out the buses here to save my life. I need a haircut like you wouldn't believe.

And I'm large. I'm carrying more weight than I have for a long time, and it's getting to me.

I just want my life here to come together, and it's not fitting. Much like my shirts.

HOME

I slept until 1 today. IN MY BED. And I never have to go back to Temple again.

Now I just have to actually start teaching.

They say the JumboTron adds twenty pounds

Tonight were the closing ceremonies for Teach for America's Philadelphia Summer Institute. Some of my colleagues shared stories, there was a speech, and then the most amazing video montage (a la Lifetime movies) ever. Teachers and students hard at work, learning and instructing - and I was in it. Only for about two seconds, but I was up there. On the GIANT SCREEN.

And to be perfectly honest, I did not notice what I looked like. I did not notice if my recent additional poundage made me look chunky. All I saw was how happy I looked and how happy my kids were.

So I will be okay. I will take care of my body and get to a place where I am maximally functional and comfortable with myself, and dare I say a bit sexy. I am going to be a good teacher - not tomorrow, not the first day of school, but I will be.

Crap

Trying to live up to what I said in my earlier post. EPIC FAIL. I cannot stand myself.

Uncomfortable

Yesterday Jim told me that every time I come home to visit I look better. I hear this and know he's sincere (he's never insincere), but it doesn't change that I am very uncomfortable in my body right now.

I have not done any kind of regular exercise in four weeks. I have been eating dining hall food for four weeks. My eating choices have been influenced by stress, too - cue the bowls of dry Cap'n Crunch and Life. And there's still one more week to go.

I am trying hard to think about this in a positive way. Yes, I am uncomfortable now. But it will not be forever. I will not continue to gain weight uncontrollably. These circumstances are not forever - there's another week, yes, but it's just one more week. Then I can get back ... in control.

If there was ever a red-flag phrase, that's it, isn't it? But how I say it now is not how I said it in the past. I have tools now, strategies to help me think about and navigate the tricky world of food and my body. I have Jim with me now, who loves both exercise and food. And me, too. He loves me.

Prepare yourselves for major cheesiness - I am a work in progress. There will never be a point where I am stuck in a body that's unhealthy - too thin or otherwise. I can do this.

Why I am Engaged

Jim's Whiskey Security System, utilizing the groundhog our friend made out of an empty Heiniken mini-keg:






I mean, really. How could I turn this down?

Arrgghh

Am having a slight panic attack. About my lesson plans? No. About closing the achievement gap? No.

No. I am sitting here panicking over my goddamn love handles. In under five weeks of little exercise and dining-hall salads (which are not your typical salads) and cereal I have become enormous.

And yeah, I know this is stupid, and compared to everyone else I'm probably not eating all that much. But fuck comparisons, I'm me and I'm eating way more than I normally do. And without exercise (and with an impending period) I have become the fucking Hindenburg.

I hate, hate hate how I can seemingly make so much "progress" and still think that because I'm fat I'm worthless. No one else's worth is contingent on their mass. Just mine. And believe me, I would give anything to stop being this "special."

I have a job, I have a fiance I love more than anything, I have the best friends a girl could hope for. Why can't I let this one thing go?

Anthropology

This past winter I took a class called The Anthropology of Infectious Disease. It was about how diseases and our socieities and cultures are so intertwined, and it was hands-down one of my favorite classes ever.

Now, though? Now I am living the anthropology of infectious disease. Teaching a roomful of four-year-olds who have not yet grasped how to wipe their noses or cover their mouths results in one sicky, sicky Lisa.

Things about me

1. I feel enormous.
2. All I want to do is color.

Sorry to whine. I mean, this is just for two more weeks. Then I can get my life (and my body my body my blobby blobby body) back in order.

Oh my goodness

Today was not terrible. No one kicked me or bit me and everyone peed where they are supposed to. And I think about seven or eight kids really, really understand patterns. Which I taught them. I successfully taught something. Holy moly.

Mr. Feeney

For all of you Boy Meets World fans, one of my best friends here at TFA Institute has the last name of Feeney. I am mad jealous.

Whew. I think I'm ready for tomorrow - well, almost. I have to make some mama and baby animal cards - I'm using them to teach capital and lowercase letters. Oh, and I should probably review my lesson and make sure I know what I'm actually saying.

I know there are at least a couple of teachers who meander through this blog now and again. I can't say much due to TFA's policies on bloggery/facebookery, but have you ever been ... ah ... bitten by a student? Punched/kicked/slapped in the face? Because I have. On Friday. By the same girl.

I hope tomorrow is a fresh start for my students and my teaching group. I hope we can establish more order. It's not fair to the kids at all - if we can't give them the support they need to behave, they can't learn. And if any kids need that extra boost at the beginning, it's these adorable, frustrating, smart-as-hell four-year-olds.

And I hope I don't get peed on.

Today

1. Today I took a little girl's lipgloss because she wouldn't put it away when I asked her to. I forgot it was in my pocket when we left for the day. I am a terrible person.

2. Today is a victory because I didn't get peed on. No. Really. That happened to one of my colleagues.

3. Today I was videotaped. I have to watch it tomorrow. There is little I despise more than seeing myself on camera, except seeing myself on camera as I UTTERLY FAIL to get any educational message whatsoever across to my students.

4. Today I was always. Sticky. Always.