Pratfalls

Musings

2010-09-23T18:06:00.002-04:00

I'm posting this in my grad class because it's my fucking birthday, and I don't care about the cycle of assessment, I care about drinking Riesling in my pajamas and watching Mad Men.

Here's a snapshot of my day:

Student: "Ms. Howison, I doo-doo'ed."
Me: "That's good, do you feel better?"
Student: "No Ms. Howison I doo-doo'ed in my pants."
Me: "... you sure did."

And I'd already thought this was a shitty week. /rimshot/

Bad news bears

2010-09-20T23:26:00.003-04:00

Guys, the situation with my baby sister has deteriorated. It's no longer about her being in college - that's her decision to make, and I got some good perspectives on it from readers.

But it's more than that now. Something is very, very wrong. Last night she told my oldest sister that she needed to take a walk. While she was on said walk, her boyfriend's mother picked her up at the end of the road. They went back to her boyfriend's house,where she is now staying. She will not answer her phone and when my mother and sister went to talk to her, no one would answer the door. I've called her a few times today and she hasn't answered.

From what I've gathered, her behavior is pointing to some mental-health issues. There's nothing anyone can do, because while my sister is a baby to me she's legally an adult. I don't know what the fuck her boyfriend's mother is thinking, but damn that is a shady move to pull on a fellow parent.

This is such a fucking mess. I know she isn't thinking rationally right now and as someone who's been there, done that, I want to help her. But I can't if she won't talk to any of us.

Some good news

2010-09-15T21:56:00.002-04:00

For anyone who remembers the student who went missing last year - good news! She's back at school and doing very well in her kindergarten class. I haven't had the chance to sit down with her and chat, but she waves and says "Hi Ms. Howison" whenever she sees me and it makes my day every time.

Opposite Day

2010-09-12T21:30:00.004-04:00

I feel the exact opposite of how I felt this past Monday. I'm grouchy, I'm irritable, I'm bitchy. Is this related to Aunt Flo's visit tomorrow and even though I'm living better chemically, sometimes it gets to me? Yes (she said, beating her inner feminist with its own army boots). Is this related to the busy week and equally busy weekend I've had? That too. Professional development from 9-5 really takes the mickey out of you.

On days like this the smallest things get to me. A shirt I haven't worn in a couple years was just a bit tighter than most things I wear and it made me nuts. I got massively upset over nothing this morning. After I finish this, I have to cut out several dozen paper shapes. Right now Jim is playing an online game that is accompanied by the most grating, idiotic music imaginable. My iTunes is turned way up, but every time a song ends I hear it. I know that if I ask him to turn it down, it'll come out so bitchy that he'll get offended and I'll get upset again. I'm really hankering for some mindless TV, but we've decided to cancel cable in order to save money for the wedding. I know it's the right choice, but dammit right now I would cut off a finger to watch The Real Housewives of D.C. Or something at that level of desperation. Jim appears to have no problem with the shutoff, which just just makes me more irritated that I can't be that virtuous.

ZOMG I'm bitchy. I know this the result of a potent mix of hormones and fatigue and work stress, and I know that it will pass, but I am absolutely wallowing in this shitty mood. I know I love Jim and he loves me and someday we'll have cable again. I know he will not be playing this game forever, and I know someday The Real Housewives will be on Netflix and I can watch it whenever I want. Heck, I might even get to meet a DC housewife someday. Anything is possible.

And yes I'm going to ask him to turn it down.

If this doesn't make you feel a little better about life, you might be dead, and I have a strict no-zombies policy with this blog.
(photo)

What a teacher loves

2010-09-06T18:43:00.003-04:00

Preschool teachers love many things, among them:

parents who are involved but not too involved
parents who have realistic expectations (no, your daughter will not be writing full sentences by her fourth birthday)
a reliable coffee-maker that is consistently refilled
planning periods
specials teachers - you librarians, you music teachers, you gym instructors (you, my friends, have immense power - your decision to come in or not can profoundly impact our day)
NAPTIME
outdoor recess
the common ground provided by Dora, Diego and Spongebob
pull-ups - not gonna lie, I'd rather throw away a pull-up than pack a student's sodden pants, underwear and socks into a plastic bag (only to have the student forget to take it home and come in the next morning to the ... aroma)
students who say please and thank you

And finally

LONG WEEKENDS

Believe me, I care about my students deeply (and this year is SO MUCH BETTER than last year), but damn if an extra day off doesn't make all the difference in the world to my mental health. This has been a great weekend, and I feel ready to take on those little people tomorrow.

And everyone really dislikes back-to-school night. Ugh, another medley of patriotic songs (photo)

Limits

2010-09-01T20:49:00.004-04:00

Thanks for the support on the last post. School's been up and down this week - some parts of the day are awesome, but the block from about 11:00-2:00 can be tough. It's a lot of transitions: lunch, recess, read aloud and nap. Then there are the two little ... sweethearts who do not enjoy naptime. One is still very much a toddler and enjoys saying no ad nauseum. He needs limits.

Then there's the limits I'm setting with the family situation. One of my sisters wants to stay in college - she's making friends, going to events, enjoying her classes. The other sister is determined to leave. I spoke to her last night and it was not a productive conversation. The things I tried to tell her - that she's been in college for less than two weeks, that I was miserable and thought I was the stupidest person in the world for my first month of college - she didn't want to hear. The things I wanted to tell her - that, frankly, she's acting pretty spoiled and rude at this point - I couldn't.

AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH! (photo)

I know how it is to be miserable at school - I spent the last year going to school every day and being miserable. I know that a four-year residential college isn't for everyone. But a degree isn't going to hurt you (unless you are a LeBron-level athlete). If she gets a bachelor's or an associates and still wants to be a cosmetologist afterward, then she can get a job and pay her way through. If she becomes a cosmetologist and then decides she hates it -

.... and I need my own limits. This is her life. If she wants to do these things, it's up to her (I can, of course, call her on her rudeness to our mother). But I can't expend much more energy on this. I'm not going to drive home this weekend so I can talk to her - it wouldn't help anyway. I need to set my limits, if for nothing else than my own sanity.

Unexpectedly

2010-08-27T19:21:00.006-04:00

I did not think that, at the end of the first week, school would actually not be my biggest concern. The week was okay. I did not flip out. I did not shed one work-related tear.

I am more upset about things going on in my family. My youngest sisters are not liking college so much after being there a week. This brouhaha is bringing up issues and habits that have gone untouched for years.

My sister and I, and my brother (in different ways) were pushed to achieve. We were never allowed to quit - a sport, a job, a class. You started it, you fulfilled the commitment you made. We were challenged - take the AP classes. Stop reading and go practice algebra (this was actually a common theme). I think it was different for my youngest sisters - there wasn't the pushing, but then also the expectations weren't as high. They weren't told they could do the things the older kids did.

I feel like maybe I wasn't a good role model for them. Maybe I didn't try to motivate them enough myself. Maybe I didn't let them know that I think they are amazing people who can do anything they want. Maybe I didn't let them know enough that I believe in them, I believe in them so fucking much. I love them and they are marvelous people; if I had told them that more often, maybe they wouldn't be feeling the way they are now.

I'm 600 miles away - I can't shake them and hug them like I want to. I can't go back in time and tell them all the things I should have told them

.

Chimpanzee family says if we'd spent more time grooming, we wouldn't have this problem.

Last day of summer

2010-08-22T11:08:00.003-04:00

Tomorrow I go back to school - a classroom full of three-year-olds.

I know I'm much more prepared than I was before. I know I have more skills. I know that when my kids don't do what I tell them, I don't need to freak out because I can get them back on task.

I keep thinking about tomorrow. I know what I'm going to wear, so I know how I'll look. I know what my classroom looks like, so that's set. But as much and as carefully as I plan, there's no guarantee that anything will go the way I want it to. I can envision my kinds coming in, sitting down, following directions. But then all I can do is think about how easily it can go to hell.

I know I can't think about it too much. I've planned, I know the main parts of what the day will be. Obsessing about what can go wrong won't help me. I need to walk in there with confidence - even if I have to fake it.

Hoo buddy

2010-08-16T22:04:00.004-04:00

I'm back in the land of the ankle-biters next week - where the eff did this summer go? This week DCPS teachers are attending professional development at their schools from 8:00-3:30. Today about 1/3 of the material was actually relevant to my instruction - the rest dealt with test-taking grades. This wouldn't be terrible if I didn't have 847,293 things to do to make my classroom ready for students again. I spent an hour rearranging furniture (there goes the lovely waxed floor, sorry custodial staff) and will probably re-rearrange it tomorrow.

I'm starting to get a panicky, hummingbird-on-cocaine feeling whenever I think about the school year starting - so I'm spending most of the day feeling like a coked-out bird.

There's just so much going on, from all over the place. This is kind of petty, but why was I the only instructor on the entire first floor who didn't receive a pad of chart paper? I wouldn't care, but a) that shit is expensive and b) this is not the first time I've been shorted on supplies. I don't know who I pissed off, but I will do anything to apologize. And some recent legislation sent stock from Jim's company down the tubes and added a bajillion more hoops for them to jump through. I have a new paraprofessional and I'm nervous about working with her. My school didn't make AYP for the third year in a row - if we don't make it this year, the school closes. Period. It's not a tragedy for me, because we'll be moving anyway after our two-year commitments are up, but a couple of the teachers have worked at the school since it opened 30 years ago. And my principal created an elaborate schedule for the preschool/pre-k classes that, while certainly rigorous, seems to have no basis in reality. It takes two grown women longer than 5 minutes to use the bathroom - how does it make sense to allot that same amount of time to 16 three-year-olds?

And deep down I'm absolutely terrified that once the kids are back in my classroom, it'll be just as awful and miserable as it was last year.

I need more primates.

Orangutan says chill the fuck out, Lisa.

Today's guffaw

2010-08-11T16:12:00.005-04:00

Want to know what I looked like in high school?

Yeah. I was THAT COOL in 2005.

I was also kind of pretty. And had impressively shiny hair.

But I never would have believed that if you told me.

Comments redux

2010-08-10T23:02:00.003-04:00

Let me say right off that I love the gym I go to. It's relatively small, rarely crowded, and pretty friendly to women. After a long day like today (at work from 7:30 AM to 7:30 PM), it's really helpful to get sweaty while reading a fashion/fitness/gossip magazine.

Today, though, I noticed something. In a recent issue of Shape, the two "success" stories both included anecdotes about nasty comments. The first woman was told by a snooty salesperson that she was "already wearing the largest size the store made," and was so devastated by the thought of shopping in a plus-size store that she decided to change her ways. The second woman went to a family reunion, only to have her grandfather-in-law say that he "couldn't fit his arms around her" after he hugged her. In front of the rest of the family.

I'm not bitching about the magazines themselves. If I really didn't like them, I wouldn't read them. Weight-loss stories can be inspiring for people who are trying to improve their health (although I wish the focus was actually on health rather than weight loss). But the point is that these women were shamed into losing weight - one by a person who had no business passing judgment and one by a family member. Thing is, shame is not an effective weight-loss method.

This is a slow loris. Why? Because this post is long and I like primates.

Something else happened at the gym today. I was well into some cardio on the bike a when I finished my magazine. I took a break and went to find another, trashier if possible. As I looked over the selection, a trainer drew me into a conversation about why people get personal trainers. I replied with a polite smile and nod.

Then he said, "You know, if you're doing cardio correctly you shouldn't be able to read."

I gave him my sweetest, fakest smile and said "I know." But once I got back to my bike I was too angry and upset to go on.

I tried to think about why I was so angry, and I talked to Jim about it to get his perspective. First, I know he is probably a nice person and just wanted to give me some advice. Second, I really think you can use cardio machines correctly and manage to read, say, People. Also I was literally dripping sweat when he said that to me - do I look like I'm doin' it wrong? And finally, as Jim pointed out, a lot of personal trainers think everyone (I would say every woman) has the same goal - to thinner. The guy had no idea why I was there (to get sweaty and read a bad magazine), and because of that, he shouldn't have said anything.

Buddy, if I wanted your advice, I'd pay for it.

A day so crappy I had to write about it

2010-08-09T23:04:00.004-04:00

MAN today was crummy. Here's why:

1. Yesterday I fell off my bike, which added pain and discomfort to today.

See, Jim has an official mountain-bike bike, and he's really enjoying terrifying-sounding things like "singletracks" and "switchbacks." I have yet to attempt these things. The other day, though, Jim said hey! we should mountain bike together! you can learn how and then we can ride along steep dirt trails, a couple so blazingly athletic that we risk blinding bystanders! And I think well, I'm a little scared because I had a bad fall the last time I went out and we were just on a regular trail (with a convenient patch of gravel for me to fall into), but I want to spend time with Jim and hey, maybe I can be a sleek, blazingly athletic woman on a bike.

So we start off on the trail and I'm terrified. I'm moving at about 5 mph along this trail that is 80% rock, 10% tree roots and 10% certain death, but with the amount of adrenaline I'm pumping I feel like I'm flying. But after I manage to stay upright for a while and we get out of the woods, I start to get some confidence. I come up on a series of small hills and think hey, I can do thi- GAAHRGRRAAAGGGHHHHHAAAHHHHHH

Given the force and volume of my scream Jim thought I had died, but I just banged up my legs and arm. I was bad ass and used my water bottle to wash off my wounds and kept going. Then later on this ride I fell into a marsh, but that's not funny so much as it is just sad. And I was hurty all day.

2. Today I got a call from my summer-work boss (I'm working for the Teach for America office) asking about the breakfast that was supposed to be delivered to a training and then I realize I FORGOT TO ORDER BREAKFAST. I was eating my own breakfast at the time and almost threw up. I really haven't felt that particular kind of oh fuck since the last time I realized a homework assignment was missing just as I walked into class. I spent the morning frantically calling Einstein's and finally got the bagels to the training about an hour after they were supposed to get there. FAIL. Of course my boss was super understanding about it and in the grand scheme, it wasn't that big a deal. But I still felt like I was going to go to detention.

3. I've been working on another project for my summer job and it has been the most tedious, frustrating thing I've dealt with in a while. There are files I can't find, instructions that aren't clear, docs that won't open. It's just my luck that the same woman who's directing this project is the one who was leading the training for which the bagels were late. That may be the worst sentence I've ever written. I'm letting it stand.

4. Of course, when I start to feel incompetent, my brain turns on my poor, battered body. You are so fat, it whispered as I struggled to color-code the tables of contents (like culs de sac?). Your stomach is really, really gross. Like a flesh marshmallow. Of course my rather less-nourishing food choices today haven't been helpful.

5. Now that I've bitched through this post, I am starting to feel guilty for bitching. Lisa, I say to myself, you know there are at least 5 billion people whose days probably were a lot worse than yours. Like they had car accidents or lost their jobs or had malaria. So you have no right to feel bad.

And there you have it, folks.

Bad blogger!

2010-08-03T22:29:00.002-04:00

Ack - I've been meaning to blog more. I sit down after work (I'm doing office work for Teach for America over the summer) and think, man, I should blog. But then I get on Facebook or start reading my book and then ... sleepy. I have so many things to write about - the Shrimp and Grits Debacle, the Barbie-doll who goes to my gym, the pitfalls of professional clothing, and more - but right now my brain isn't quite up to it.

A huge thank-you

2010-07-21T22:07:00.004-04:00

After a long, sweaty day at work downtown. After trying on bathing suits and overpaying for the only one that wasn't hideous. After waiting for the bus and sweating some more. Some good news - some really good, heartfelt, touching news.

I've been thinking a lot about this blog. When I started it, I was definitely underweight and definitely not recovered. I don't know if I was even really serious about recovery at that point. Things are different now. According to the grand-high-muckamucks of American health, I'm overweight. I struggle sometimes, but my mindset now is far different than it used to be. I'd been wondering what I could still contribute to this conversation we've all been having - about our lives, the struggles that we face, and the strength that we find in each others' words. I felt like I wasn't giving much - not nearly enough to repay all of the amazing support, advice, and empathy I've received in 2+ years I've been blogging. I was floundering a little.

And then I got an email from Emma Stone, who informed my lil blog had won a 2010 Top Eating Disorder Blog award. I was a little befuddled - I don't write about anorexia nearly as much as I did once - but then I read that my wonderful readers nominated me for the award.

How did you all know that I needed a pick-me-up? You guys are amazing. Thank you.

School's out

2010-06-25T12:09:00.002-04:00

Got up at 8:30 - probably the latest I've awoken in three months. Now I'm working from home on my couch, wearing sloppy shorts and listening to CNN. I cannot convey how awesome this is.

This is not okay

2010-06-19T13:39:00.002-04:00

Last night there was a shooting across the street from my school. Three men, all in their 30s. One died. Guys, this happened where I take my class when we have a fire drill. So many of my students live on that block. He's got to be someone's dad or uncle or cousin or something.

Earlier this week, I found out that the reason one of my favorites* has been coming in messier than usual is because her mother packed up and left a week ago. Her 11-year-old sister has been taking care of her and their 6-year-old sister. An older sister? cousin? comes by sometimes, but she uses food as discipline and they're always hungry. And apparently this has happened before.

None of the sisters came to school on Thursday or Friday. A social worker drove by their apartment and said it looked like no one had been living there - there was trash in the cans, but no lights or noise. Nobody knows where they are. Three little girls are basically missing - and no police, one social worker, and a couple of teachers.

This is not okay. It's almost my last day of teaching - I should be ecstatic. But all I can think about is where this little girl is.

*If you think teachers shouldn't have favorites, you've obviously never been a teacher.

Three days

2010-06-17T14:18:00.002-04:00

Dear Mrs. Palczinski: I know why you dumped out my second-grade classmate's desk and made her clean it up. It wasn't a stellar moment for you, but I know why you did it. Children do it to you.

There are three days left in the school year. I honestly did not think I would make it this far - if you'd asked me in January what summer was like, I would not have been able to tell you. It was too far away to make sense. It was bad then - but it's gotten better. There are still times when I want to pull my hair out, but at least I know what I'm doing most of the time.

It's hard to believe how much has happened. A year ago I'd just graduated from college. I'd been engaged for three weeks, and I was about to move 800 miles from home to start a new life and a new job. I had no idea what I was getting into.

D.C. summers are notoriously hot and muggy. Bring it on.

Video games and being awesome

2010-06-09T18:09:00.003-04:00

I cannot play video games. First-person shooter games make me wish I could turn the gun on myself. I am invariably last in racing games. Even Frogger defeats me. Moreover, I never really had an interest in them when I was growing up.

This has actually had an impact on my relationships. In fourth grade I made a fool of myself playing a soccer video game with a boy I liked. In high school, I spent a lot of time squished on the edge a couch while my boyfriend, his buddies, and their girlfriends chased each other around various courses. Sometimes I napped.

I was not an Awesome Girlfriend. Because my hands turned into donkey hooves when I held a controller, I could never be as cool or epic or sexy as a girl who's good (but not too good) at driving a car and shooting zombies. A girlfriend who plays video games is exponentially more attractive than one who can't navigate a frog across a street.

This came up a few nights ago. Jim found an admittedly fun-looking game on Xbox Live - a plane-chase game based on the Peanuts characters. He asked me to play. I said no, I said no, and then I got insecure. If I keep saying no, then I am a Downer Girlfriend again. I'm always saying no. So I agreed to play.

Of course it was a shit show. I couldn't move the plane where I needed to and Jim was (literally) flying circles around me. I got more and more frustrated and all I could think about was how I am not epic, I am not awesome, I blow really hard at a very simple hand-eye coordination task. I was in tears.

I know Jim does not base his love for me on my Call of Duty or Modern Warfare performance. But I think my inability to play video games taps into a big fear I've always had in relationships - that I'm simply too dull to sustain someone's interest.

Do you have a relationship fear or worry as silly as this one?

You're entitled to your opinion ...

2010-06-02T20:37:00.002-04:00

..but I feel that fat is definitely a feeling, and it is entirely what I am feeling now.

This wasn't the image I had for my 500th post, but that's the way it is.

Baby things change

2010-05-31T10:12:00.003-04:00

Yesterday was a good time. We met a group of friends for brunch at 11:30 - should mention this is a champagne brunch with all-you-can-drink mimosas - stayed until the buffet closed at 4, then went back to our friends' apartment and stayed there until 11. Twelve hours at brunch might have been a little excessive, but it was still a good time.

I slept until almost 9 and now my grad school work is weighing on my mind, but so are some other things. I met a a friend-of-a-friend whose job title is "senior scientist." If that doesn't make her cool enough in your eyes, she does research all around Europe on quality-of-life, long-term care, pain management, etc. All of these big, meaty topics in medical anthropology. On top of that, she travels all the time - England, Denmark, France, Finland.

It's bringing up some old emotions. When I was a kid I wanted to have a career, I wanted to love it, and I wanted to be good at it. I never dreamed I'd be 23 and engaged; surely I'd be too busy building a career and anyway, who needs a man to be happy? Of course, life does things and I am amazingly happy to be with Jim. Now I'm facing the somewhat uncomfortable realization that I'd rather have a 9-5 (or 7-5, like it is now) job that lets me spend time with the person I love and the people I for whom I care deeply. I'll be an office drone - actually, right now an office job sounds AMAZING. Prestige isn't a big deal. I don't have to be the best and the brightest. I just want a desk and a computer and a lunch break. And starting at 9 would be great, too.

Do I go back to anthropology after I'm done with Teach for America? That's more school, more money and more time, and an advanced degree in anthropology doesn't always equal a higher salary. And a travel-heavy job would be wonderful, but it would take me away from Jim and the home we've built together. I don't think I want to be a teacher forever, but it might be something I do beyond my two-year commitment (though NOT in DCPS).

I used to think the majority of my satisfaction in life would come from my job.* Now I think it's going to come from sharing a couch, a kitchen, and a life with someone at the end of the day.

*Just realized this post might come off as judgmental or even antifeminist (gulp). It's NOT. The beautiful thing about feminism (or at least my own feminism) is that yes, you can be a CEO in New York or you can be barefoot and pregnant in a kitchen in Kentucky - so long as you get to choose. Whatever floats your boat.

Suck it

2010-05-26T22:37:00.001-04:00

Really, the best thing I can say about work today was that there was no bloodshed. It was that terrible.

It sucks when you haven't had a terrible day in a long time, and then one comes along and wallops you in the gut.

A tale of two in-laws*

2010-05-24T21:24:00.003-04:00

In high school, I was terrified of my boyfriend's mother. This woman had the power to reduce me to a stammering, quivering heap of insecurities.** To illustrate: my sister S and I both worked at a local grocery store - she was in the photo department, I was in the deli/bakery. S was closer to the entrance, so when my boyfriend's mother would come in (small town, remember), S would call me over the phone system and then I would hide in the walk-in cooler until she left. That's right - my fear of this woman was greater than my hatred of the cold. And this continued long after I'd broken up with her son and even after I'd started dating Jim.

I would like to declare that Jim's mother is not at all scary.

This weekend Jim's parents came out to visit. I was already anxious about all the food and wine we would consume, but I also had a small, stupid, self-centered worry: what if they thought I was fat? As I walked down King Street to meet them for lunch (sans Jim - I am a grown up), my reflection in all the shop windows was enormous. I knew, I knew, I knew they wouldn't say anything, but ... what if they did?

Later that night (lunch was fine) we were eating Jim's delicious (fucking delicious) paella. We were talking about how amazing a cook Jim is and since it was on my mind (and I was slightly tipsy), I said that I'd gained weight. Jim protested that I didn't know how much I'd gained, but I said it was quite a bit.

"No no no, " Jim's mother said. "I think you look great, Lisa, you have color ... you look great."

Yep. No more walk-in coolers for me. :)

*Okay, since I didn't marry my first boyfriend and I haven't yet married Jim neither of these women have actually been my in-laws, but dammit this is my blog.
**To those of you who quote Eleanor Roosevelt and say "no one can make you feel inferior without your consent yadda yadda yadda" I say, you haven't met this woman.

Hypocrisy

2010-05-20T21:29:00.002-04:00

Hypocrisy, a double standard. Whatever you want to call it, I have it.

I preach it - as much as a befuddled agnostic can preach anything. BMI is silly! The ideal of thinness is a cultural construction foisted upon the public by the media! The "war on obesity" is ridiculous! C'mon Michelle Obama, that little girl didn't care about veggies, she cared about her mom's immigration status!

But this week I've been basing my self-worth on my weight, the food that I eat (or don't), the exercise that I do.

What is wrong with me? I am letting fucking number rule my life. NO ONE CARES BUT ME. Jim does not care. My mother does not care. My students do not care (although one asked if I was pregnant and another one apparently likes my boobs). BUT I CARE. I care.

I don't want to trigger. I don't want to be a wet blanket. But this is what my head is like now.

Angry

2010-05-18T10:35:00.003-04:00

Yeah I'm suuuuper angry in this post. Just a disclaimer.

Using my planning period to bring you this breathtaking news - my BMI is in the "overweight" category.

Part of me knows that BMI is stupid, that I've put on muscle and that's going to skew my BMI. Part of me knows that in the early 1990s, the definitions of "overweight" and "obese" were arbitrarily shifted, making millions more "overweight" overnight (I could link you to an article but I'm lazy and rushed).

But part of me is also pissed. Pissed that I thought I could eat whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted without consequences (wow, that's some judgmental language). Pissed that I drink so much wine. Pissed that I let myself do this.

I'm also pissed at my old therapist, my doctors, my nutritionist - all of them assured me I'd stop gaining weight. They told me I wouldn't have a weight problem. I just want to go to them and wave this in their faces and say "see? I was right. I didn't stop gaining weight and look what happened. Thanks a lot."

I need to get over this - or at least shove it aside - before my students get back from gym.

Proof Positive and Negative

2010-05-17T19:40:00.002-04:00

Oh holy MOLY that last post is full of bravado. Today's events make it absolutely clear that I am in no way "recovered."

Today, I took a half-day (yay!) to go to the gynecologist (boo). During the pre-exam, I told the nurse my spiel: "I'm in recovery from an eating disorder, so I get weighed backwards."

"Okay, that's okay, whatever," she replied. She wasn't mean about it, just kind of blase - just one more weird demand from a patient. So I hop on and she fiddles with the counterweights.

And then she says the first two digits. "Oh wait, you didn't want to know ..."

Too damn late, lady. I looked at the scale and figured out the last one. And oh my dear god it was so much higher than I expected. So much higher.

I kept it together in the office. I mostly kept it together on the ride home and while I was getting the car serviced. At the gym though - all those mirrors, all those people - I freaked the fuck out. Panic attack time. I made it back to the car and called my sister. She listened while I cried and sobbed and continued my freakout for a solid ten minutes. I took another ten to calm down after we hung up, and then I went back inside and finished my workout.

Now I'm furious with myself. All the meals out, all the wine and cheese, all the little nibbles - what the fuck did I think was going to happen? And I've got to stop sharing my internal thought processes because they are majorly triggering. Just know that my head is not a friendly place right now.

So no, I'm not recovered. I'm lots of other things that I don't want to list but I'm not recovered.

Watching Miss USA

2010-05-16T20:43:00.004-04:00

Yep, I'm watching the Miss USA pageant. More precisely, Jim and I are watching it while we eat chorizo, cheese and bread.

Did I feel not a twinge but a baseball-bat-wallop of envy when those girls strutted across the stage in bikinis? Well, yes. Their thighs DON'T TOUCH, I thought. Once upon a time, YOUR thighs didn't touch. Wasn't that great? And so on and so forth.

This brings me to the topic of recovery and that touchy, age-old question: can you ever be "recovered?"

I believe that in general, yes, a person can become recovered from anorexia and develop a completely normal relationship with food and the larger world. For myself? I don't know.

I am not the person I was fall 2005, when I staggered onto Ohio University's campus at a ridiculous weight (and that was with pockets full of coins and a heavy belt). I am not the person I was that winter, at my lowest weight, numb, cold all the time. I am not the person I was that spring, grimly downing three Ensures (the high calorie kind) plus dining hall meals just so I could stay in school. I'm not even the person I was a few years later, interning at the University of Delaware and eating gelato but still much too thin.

I'm bigger. I know sizes can be triggering, and I apologize, but I'm working on not being ashamed that I am a size 10-12, large or even extra-large. Part of this is due to my taste in clothing - ie, not-skintight - but it's mostly just because I'm bigger. I have no idea what I weigh - I haven't weighed myself in well over a year - but I know my body is different.

For one thing, I'm a hell of a lot more muscular and I love it. You were right, Jim, you were right - I love weight training. I love feeling so strong and I love that I'm not overdoing it. I know that I can't do weights every single day - I'd be so sore that I couldn't walk. I'm never going to be a female bodybuilder (I have a crazy aunt who does that - one per family is enough, thanks), but I love the feeling of being stronger. I told Jim I was embarrassed when a trainer at the gym randomly fist-bumped me, but I was actually stoked - maybe he thinks I'm legit. And you can't do weights if you don't eat. So I eat.

This year has been one of the hardest of my life. It's also been one of the best, since Jim and I got engaged and moved in together. You can't go through a year as eventful and not change.

I wish that all of this could lead up to a proud declaration that I am recovered. No quotation marks; fully and totally recovered. Unfortunately, I can't. The old anorexia voice is still there - right before I take a shower and I see myself in the mirror; when I try on clothes and nothing seems right. Sometimes even when I see those old pictures I start to think that wouldn't be so hard, you could get back there pretty easy. It's in the choices I make at restaurants, it's in the guilt I feel after a weekend of gustatory events.

Maybe I'll never be "recovered." Maybe some people never do. But even without the "-ed," I've learned that I can still live a full life. I can deal with the anorexia thoughts - they no longer stop me from working hard and loving harder.

Well howdy

2010-05-12T20:41:00.002-04:00

Well hey there - wait, is this thing still on?

I know my last entry was on a positive note, but March took the fucking mickey out of me. A lot of things piled up, not in the least Jim's car being stolen. We got it back, thankfully - but really, who the hell steals a ten-year-old minivan? April was better, but only just.

You'd think I'd have 8 million things to say, and I'm sure I will when I think of them. One is that I'm glad to be back in the blogosphere. I've been reading and commenting, but I sure did miss y'all. Telling Jim my thoughts and feelings is wonderful, but it's also nice to tell you guys, too.

The one big thing to share is that Jim and I have decided to put off the wedding until next summer. WE ARE STILL GETTING MARRIED. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH OUR RELATIONSHIP. That's something we've been having to explain a lot to our families. When Jim's car was stolen, it made us realize just how hard it would be to put on a wedding this summer - in terms of both money and time. So we argued and discussed and cried (at least I did) and then I talked to my mom and fought and cried some more; and then just as I was about to head for the courthouse everything was all right again. I was sad for a while - the thought of a wedding was something that kept me going through those awful months last fall - but now I feel relieved. I can relax this summer. We can take a minibreak (in the immortal words of Bridget Jones).

I'm a bit rusty at this, so I'll write more later about my body and where I am in my recovery. Dare I put the "-ed" on that word yet? We'll see.

Making the list

2010-02-28T21:37:00.003-05:00

I made the list I mentioned in the last post. If you will indulge me, I shall share some of it with you.

Under things I have improved:

Fat talk/body issue talk in everyday circumstances. I used to bitch all the time about being lumpy/chunky/a horking cow, and it was taking a toll. I thought it was just bothering Jim, but once I made a conscious effort to stop it, I realized what it had been doing to me, too.
Leaving work at work - you know I used to bring it aaaalllll home with me. I cried a lot. Now - when I drive home, I let it fly out the window behind me. In a metaphorical sense. I drive home on 495, so there's too much traffic and exhaust for me to open the windows.
Food outlook. Many fewer foods fall under the "not safe" umbrella. I went to a buffet with Jim last weekend. Woot.

Under things with which I've made progress:

Exercise outlook. I joined a really great gym and have started a weight-training program. It's still a struggle to avoid overdoing it - "if 30 minutes is good, then an hour must be GREAT" - but overall I'm feeling stronger.
Catastrophic thinking: Thank you, New Therapist, for putting a name to that "OMG I AM A FAILURE" thinking that has pretty much been how I respond to making mistakes. When I fuck up, the world does not end. I knew this, given that I have perpetrated countless fuckups and the sun still rises. But now I have a better way to conceptualize it. If that makes sense.
Sponteneity: "Want to go out for dinner?" Jim asks. I don't panic any more. I'm doing much better about loosening my death grip on routine.
Looking to the future: Jim and I want to go to Spain. We want to move. We might someday buy a house. Thinking of those things makes my daily life so much more bearable - it reminds me that this life I have now is not forever.

Under things that still need progress:

Negative body talk before social outings: this is my weak point. Before we go out with friends, all I can see are my muffin tops, my love handles, my stomach pooch. And then I get frustrated. I still usually have a good time, but it's an unnecessary stressor.
"The voice:" None of you has heard this, and consider yourself lucky for that. In some stressful situations - namely, when something happens while driving with Jim - my voice goes up about five octaves.
Worrying about stupid things. Tackling my anxiety is a Big Job.
Inertia: this is a hallmark of my depression - everything is too much effort. It's not. I just need to find a way to remind myself of this.

Eek, that was pretty long. Thanks for staying with me.

Letting it get to me

2010-02-21T10:39:00.002-05:00

This winter is getting to me. I feel incredibly stuck.

The snow isn't melting fast enough and I can't figure out if I'm just unable to see past it. Classic pathetic fallacy - monotonous snow, monotonous me. I am boring. And then from "boring" I slip into finding all my other faults.

Okay. In the past I would have just let myself do this until spring, but my mother and I have spent too much time in therapy for that. I am not boring. I have done things. I will do things. And every day, I'm trying to be a better person - even if that just means letting me be me.

... snow

2010-02-09T21:03:00.002-05:00

Everything you are seeing in the news is true - there is a ridiculous amount of snow out there. And it's still falling. I don't know how there can be any more snow in the atmosphere, anywhere, but apparently there is and it's cascading down on Alexandria, VA.

We've had a couple scary moments without power - Sunday night we lost it for a few hours and today we lost it for about ten minutes. But who knows, it's supposed to start blowing like a sonafgun in a few hours.

As far as my own condition - I'm feeling a lot better. Not 100%, but I've actually felt the glimmerings of an appetite.

I certainly wasn't eating normally during this illness - I was eating anything that would stay down. Vegetables, which I normally love, were kind of repulsive. Instead I've been nibbling bread, crackers, and hard cheese since ... Friday? Criminy that's a long time. And today, during a brief outing, I bought a bag of Sweet & Salty Chex mix because hey, it looked good. I've also been drinking orange juice - that sugary calorie bomb we're always being warned about (*eye roll*). I need the liquids!

Maybe one good thing will come out of this - I'll remember that I need to listen to my body and give it what it wants (as much as possible).

Gastro-glub

2010-02-07T16:44:00.002-05:00

On Friday, due to the approaching Snowpocalypse/Snomageddon, DCPS let out at 12:00. Which is good, because around 2:30 my guts decided to rebel. Friday, Saturday and today have involved a lot of bathroom time. Today is better, but feeling slightly less shitty is still ... shitty.

I'm so sick I can't bring myself to care.

Oh, me oh my

2010-01-28T19:59:00.002-05:00

I just can't win. Or I can win for a little while, but then I start losing again.

At least I'm doing better in some ways. I'm not constantly beating myself up for my failures at work. I'm doing the best I can with what I have, which isn't much - in terms of experience or assistance in the classroom.

I'm trying so hard to leave it at work. I can't bring everything home with me and dump it on Jim. I think I'm getting better at that, but sometimes it sucks all day and it just implodes as soon as you stop moving.

Thank god for The Office and 30 Rock. And for our Groundhog's Day liquor potluck this weekend.

I'm still here

2010-01-24T09:41:00.001-05:00

I just can't think of what to write.

Body

2010-01-10T09:28:00.002-05:00

What with work issues, I haven't written much about food issues.

Well, they are still there. As in I feel huge, nothing fits right, and I am horrified by my stomach.

I think about so many bloggers I follow, so many great men and women who have worked hard to like the bodies they have - just as they are. They don't look at celebrities or passers-by and agonize about why they aren't as thin. They genuinely like food AND their own bodies. And I can't.

Is this ever going to stop? I have no idea how to accept myself.

Hmm

2010-01-03T16:48:00.001-05:00

You know it's bad when you start watching Dirty Jobs and you start to think hey, that might be kind of fun.

Did I mention ...

2010-01-02T11:28:00.002-05:00

... that I don't want to go back to work?

... that I am the laziest bride ever? I designed our save-the-dates and invites using Microsoft Publisher templates.

... that I feel like the sloppiest, jiggliest, squishiest person ever?

... that I hate lesson planning? I should be doing that now instead of blogging.

... that I cried multiple times during our viewing of Up last night?

... that not only am I a lazy bride, I'm kind of a lazy blogger and I use gimmicks sometimes?

Oh readers. I love you so.

The Holidays

2009-12-29T11:37:00.001-05:00

The holidays have come and gone. We spent an entire week - a busy, car-trip-filled week (sorry and I love you, Jim) in Ohio with our families. I love them - my family and his. Thank you, whatever cosmic/godly/karmic forces there may be, for giving me future in-laws that I like very much.

And now we're back. I'm sitting in a Panera, selfishly taking up a table for four with all my crap, staring down the mountain of work that I did not even THINK about during my one-week vacation.

I don't want to go back to work. Ever.

Randoms in the snow

2009-12-19T13:12:00.003-05:00

1. The D.C. metro area is being socked by the BIGGEST MOST MAJOR-EST SNOWSTORM OF 2009 OMG GEEZ buy toilet paper. It's actually almost as bad as local newsmedia (hi Matt!) is making it out to be - we have pretty substantial drifts in the parking lot.

2. Yesterday I tried on pants that I haven't worn in a while and they did not fit. And I did not freak out. They were too small and they looked too small - like, ludicrously small. I thought to myself, I'm not the same person I was eighteen months ago, so it's okay if my body isn't the same, either.

3. Today that justification seems a little thin (no pun ... okay sorry).

4. In addition to being stuck in a job and a body I'm not currently fond of, now I'm stuck in the apartment. But I like the place and I like the company I have, so it's really not so bad.

Peanut M&Ms

2009-12-14T18:59:00.003-05:00

God love my Secret Santa, but I ate about 2.5 servings of peanut M&Ms today. I'm trying to let it go, forgive myself, and rationalize it by saying that at least I got some protein.

....and fail. Nope. Beating myself to pieces over this.

Stuck

2009-12-12T21:41:00.001-05:00

Welcome to the Self-Loathing spiral, where everything you think about is further proof of what a shitty person you are. Especially thinking about how much you think about yourself! Selfish, narcissistic, whiny.

Fail confession

2009-12-10T17:24:00.003-05:00

I got sick this morning in my classroom and went home. Thank goodness I have a bathroom in my classroom.

I thought I was just sick, but once I got home and slept for two hours, I realized it was a panic attack. I've never had one make me puke before, so that threw me.

I feel like such a failure for going home. I'm starting to think the same voice that's always telling me to try harder, to be stronger, to be better is the same voice that was always telling me to be thin, to be better.

Randoms

2009-12-06T14:38:00.002-05:00

1. I am scared shitless about this week and the big review. A bird flying into my classroom would be the least of my worries (that really happened this past Thursday).

2. My hair has finally grown out a little from my recent disastrous haircut and is starting to look normal again. This is probably racist or discriminatory, but I need to find an inexpensive salon where the language barrier between me and the stylists is not so great.

3. I'm so, so afraid that people will give up on me. I'm afraid that I will give up on me. I really am quite fearful that people will drop out of my life, which is strange because I don't have a history of abandonment.

4. I'm frustrated that my new therapy sessions aren't immediately having a miraculous effect. Which is silly, because I know from great experience that while therapy is many things, it is not fast.

5. More about therapy - my new doc, Dr. L (actually a grad student, but whatev) looks exactly like a younger version of Dr. M. Their mannerisms are completely different, but the eyes are eerily similar.

6. Jim makes the. best. black bean soup EVER. I could eat bowlfuls of the stuff and not care about the resultant gastric distress.

7. Instead of a tree, we put up lights around our hydroponic garden. I'll post a picture later.

SHIT SHOW

2009-12-02T21:53:00.003-05:00

My classroom - not just my school, but my classroom in particular - is being inspected by the FEDERAL Head Start next week. Yeah. NOW everyone above me is finally paying attention and realizing that I never received the training, support and supplies that I was supposed to - because I didn't even know they existed. And if I go down, they go down too.

Motherfuck.

Construction

2009-11-29T22:01:00.001-05:00

I need a lot of work.

Updatos

2009-11-22T08:49:00.002-05:00

The week at school started out magnificently crappy and then got better toward the end. I'm trying so, so hard not to derive my self-worth from others - something I'm beginning to realize I've done all my life. Just because I was me didn't mean jack - I still needed to be something good, anything, in someone else's eyes. I didn't have - and I still have trouble finding - a sense of intrinsic worth.

But Friday and Saturday were okay. I went out both nights (nothing wild or crazy, just some time with Jim and a friend) and I managed not to cry or feel horrible about myself.

I have an appointment with a new psychologist on Tuesday. We'll see how that goes.

A Diversion

2009-11-15T09:44:00.002-05:00

Or, Why People from the Midwest Should Undergo Training before Moving to a Large City:

I am walking to the metro from Gallaudet University, where I was attending TFA professional development. I pass two middle-aged men waiting for a bus. I make eye contact, and because I am from SE Ohio, I smile.

Man 1: How you doing?
Me: I'm good, thanks.
Man 1: Lookin' good.

Sigh.

At sea

2009-11-11T22:25:00.003-05:00

I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't know where my head is half the time. I'm itchy. I can't sit still.

I'm at a loss, but I don't know what for.

Not doing so well

2009-11-08T11:48:00.002-05:00

Ruined another weekend night with Jim. I got upset over something stupid, then I kept beating myself up for getting upset, and then it just went downhill from there.

I try so hard to be less self-critical, but how do I just stop noticing all of my glaring faults? I try, I fail, and then I feel even worse because I'm a) failing and b) whoppingly self-centered. This kind of narcissism isn't the fun kind, people. It's the kind when you just can't think of anything else but what a craptastic person you are - lazy, boring, fat, self-centered, a shitty teacher, insecure, whiny.

I just feel paralyzed. I don't know how to make this better and I'm afraid it's going to make things even worse.

And here we go again

2009-11-03T18:18:00.002-05:00

Two more bad days. I know that teaching is going to have its ups and downs, but dammit I really thought I was on the right track.

Trying to think of something positive to hold on to. I guess what's really keeping me going is the thought that I have one person who has decided, for some reason or another, that he wants to spend not just this year, not just next year, but a whole bunch more years with me. Like all of them. And that long after Teach for America is a memory, Jim will still be there.

The same goes for my family - no matter what happens, I've still got them.

So that's something. If that's what it takes to get me through, then so be it.

Expending Energy

2009-11-01T15:22:00.002-05:00

I have spent the last two hours HATING myself, my body, my lack of self-control. I bought some much-needed khakis and there was no denying it, from my reflection to the larger size. I am bigger. All over. And I am making myself schizophrenic over it.

Dinner parties. Wine and cheese. Bread. Chips and salsa. Candy. It has to go. It all has to. Because I can't even handle a little bit of it.

But it can't go.

But it has to.

It can't.

It goes.

It stays.

It goes.

I hate this.

Stagflation

2009-10-28T22:34:00.002-04:00

I can't move forward, I can't move back.

I've been doing well about cutting out the fat-talk. But the fat-thinking? Ohh, that's still there.

I look in the mirror and I know I've gained weight. My stomach is different. My hips are different. But I don't know how much I've gained, because I haven't weighed myself in months. Good lord - not since January. So when I say I want to lose weight, I don't know what I'm really saying.

I'm eating things now that a year ago I would never have considered. Last weekend I had a fucking enchilada, cooked for me by a couple we're friends with. An ENCHILADA.

Do I want to give up these new things? Do I want to give up the freedom I'm starting to have with food and drink? Give up candy corn, cider, wine? Okay let's be serious, I'm never going to give up the grape. But do I want to go back to non-stop gum-chewing at social functions? No alcohol due to the empty calories? No crunchy cereal at night before bed?

What do I give up? What do I change?

Mind Games

2009-10-26T18:24:00.002-04:00

I am sick. My throat hurts, my head hurts. It's actually not as bad as it was this weekend, but it's still pretty unpleasant. And I'm exhausted - the kids were nuts today.

So I'm not going to work out. I'm going to take a nap and then I'm going to do some work and cook some spaghetti squash and then I will watch Mad Men with Jim.

Having made this decision, my brain is SCREAMING at me to work out because my fat lazy ass hasn't been on an elliptical since Thursday and holy cow, that's right COW I'm so huge it's not funny.

I just want to get some rest.

Got to admit

2009-10-22T21:34:00.002-04:00

It's getting better. A little bit at a time. The past three days my aide has been out, which is usually a recipe for disaster. But I've had an AMAZING parent step in and help out most days, and today I had eleven out of my usual 16 - it is sicky season. I am sick myself - sore throat, stuffy nose etc. But yesterday and today I think I actually TAUGHT something. And my kids fucking understand syllables.

And Jim is amazing. Of course.

Week in review

2009-10-18T21:05:00.002-04:00

Or not, because last week was so epically bad that I never even want to think about it again. I managed to piss off so many people, from people at work to parents to Jim. Jim. Of all the people I do not want to piss off, I pissed off Jim and ruined the Friday night that was supposed to be my respite from the crap of work.

But I digress.

Last week was so, so bad that it forced me to take a really hard look at myself. I looked at my attitude, my actions, my words. It was kind of like when I look in the mirror before I take a shower - troubling. I found a lot of things that made me squirm. A lot of things that I want to change.

Of course change is hard and scary and whatnot. But I have to do it, or I'll keep having shitty weeks and pissing off the one person who's keeping me together.

Bad days

2009-10-14T18:54:00.001-04:00

Two terrible days in a row. I mean full out awful, complete with yelling and lectures. And Jim feels sick.

Can I handle another one?

Home and home

2009-10-12T18:12:00.003-04:00

I went home this weekend to see my family and get my car. Oh goodness. My family. They surprised me by bringing my older sister - I hadn't seen her since Easter! Everybody got along and there was good food and I ATE and I don't hate myself for it.

Now I'm home in D.C. (two homes, eh?) and there is a shiny car in the parking lot that is mine (well, after we get it registered). On the drive back I read The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. Cheesy, yes I know. But I really think it helped. I'm setting goals. I'm taking action. I am going to be a good teacher, a good wife-to-be, and a good person. I think.

I'm just trying to like myself, regardless of what anyone else thinks of me. If you've never done it, it's harder than you might imagine.

Going home

2009-10-07T17:55:00.002-04:00

Back in my RIDIC GMU class. We have been here an HOUR and have yet to discuss content.

But I digress.

I am going back to Ohio this weekend! Jim and I are leaving early-early on Saturday and spending the night with his family. My parents and younger sisters are coming up and we'll all eat dinner and hopefully the experience will not be terribly awkward. And then I WILL HAVE A CAR. For the first time in my life, I will have a car of which I will be the primary driver. It's a Buick Century, nothing flashy, but it drives and it will reduce my commute by 45-60 minutes. That means MORE SLEEP for tired Miss Howison. I am Miss Frazzle, not Miss Frizzle.

Aieeee

2009-10-03T23:02:00.002-04:00

A snapshot in my brain:

Ohmygod you ate so much pizza jesushchrist stoppit lessonplansaaaaahhhh you don't have time fatfatfatfat fattttyyyyyyy gaah howonearth will you ever behungryagain fatfatfat

You get the picture. And I sit here very calmly while Jim and our friend play video games on our new tv and they have no idea I'm about to go into the bathroom and hyperventilate for a little bit.

I am SO FUCKING SICK of this. Recover already, Lisa. Enough of this in-between shit.

But can you ever really leave it all behind?

Moving Images

2009-10-01T20:54:00.002-04:00

Today I endured something that can be excruciating for anyone, let alone someone in recovery from an eating disorder: I watched myself on film. On Wednesday my TFA mentor came in and taped the beginning of my day. We watched the film today during my planning period.

Awful as it was, I learned a shit ton. We talked about some solutions that would be quick, easily implemented, and would go a long way to improving things.

I also realized that no, I'm not thin and lithe but I am also not a fatass. Not. A fatass. Of course I hate the way I look naked but at least in clothes, I'm okay.

And I have good hair.

Why are we here?

2009-09-30T17:21:00.001-04:00

I'm sitting in my masters' class at GMU and aaallllll I want to do is go home. This isn't really helping.

I FINALLY got my aide today. The rest of the week is going to be bumpy, but we should get the hang of each other soon.

I got spit on today. I really don't care - it's better than pee.

Swings

2009-09-27T21:27:00.001-04:00

It has been and up-and-down kind of weekend.

Friday: came home and vegged out - good.

Saturday: cleaned in the morning and Jim came home - very good.
Had a nice dinner to belatedly celebrate my birthday - also very good.
Got into an argument (it involved calipers) - not good.
Made up and talked about it - very good.

Sunday: lesson planning/progress reports - okay.
Anxiety - not good. Very not good.

I'm just so keyed up and tense right now. I need to get this teaching thing right, and soon.

Birthday

2009-09-23T17:08:00.004-04:00

Today is my birthday. Someone told me it's my "golden birthday," because I'm turning 23 on the 23rd. Unfortunately the only "golden" thing about today was the two students who had accidents during naptime.

Thinking about food (trigger warning)

2009-09-20T12:46:00.002-04:00

There's a KitKat commercial on TV that shows people working in cubicles, taking time out to blissfully enjoy the chocolate-covered wafery goodness of a Kitkat. Men, women, black, white, Asian - all of them taking a bite and savoring it.

It made me realize I could never do that. I could never walk to a vending machine and select a KitKat. I could never tote it back to my cubicle (or classroom) and unwrap it. I could never sit down, eat the KitKat, throw away the wrapper, and go back to my life.

No. I can't eat food without thinking about it. If I do - Jim made candied walnuts the other day and I ate a ton of them - later on it comes back to haunt me. I can't just make a meal. I stand in the kitchen and agonize - what will fill me up with the fewest calories? What will give me the most nutrition for the fewest calories? What will taste good?

There's a tug-of-war, always, in my head. No, don't eat that, says one part of my brain. And then the other part says Go ahead, have a little cashew butter. Have a triscuit. Have a bite of sugar-free pudding. Eat eat eat, it'll make you feel better. But of course it doesn't, I feel like shit.

Not that it matters. No matter what I eat I will never, ever be thin.

It doesn't matter. It shouldn't matter. But it does.

Keeping on

2009-09-19T11:39:00.002-04:00

I'm still a craptastic teacher, but at least I didn't leave in tears on Thursday. My aide won't be there Monday, so who knows what will happen then.

I'm not quitting. I"m NOT. I have to convince myself that's not an option.

Error message

2009-09-15T22:21:00.002-04:00

I may have made the biggest mistake of my life doing Teach for America.

I am terrible. Terrible. I have no authority and I don't know how to get it back. I will tell the students to do something and they laugh at me. Another teacher will walk in and say the same thing and it's done without a peep.

I am a basket case. I have Teach for America staff sitting in on my class nearly every day of the week.

I can't remember the last day I didn't cry. I am dreaming about my students - even in my sleep, they don't listen.

And I'm stuck for two years.

One Two Three

2009-09-12T20:05:00.003-04:00

One: If you are pissed off about government/taxes/healthcare/a black man in the White House/the high price of oolong, feel free to congregate in the nation's capital to make your feelings known. This is a democracy where free speech is held near and dear, and I am genuinely happy to see people exercising that right (no really, I am. I don't care if you think Obama is the Antichrist and women belong in the kitchen barefoot, I'm happy that you have the right to say that in any public place you want).

Two: If you DO decide to congregate in the nation's capital, please educate yourself on that city's public transit system BEFORE you set out one cloudy Saturday morning. Please note that "step back, doors closing" and "step back to allow the doors to close" means get your flags/posters/children the FUCK out of the door.

Three: If you choose to wear a shirt that says "don't tread on me," then please avoid treading on the young teacher on her way to professional development who already doesn't want to be out early on her precious, precious weekend.

Kiss your brain

2009-09-10T18:51:00.003-04:00

I tell my four-year-olds they're so smart, they should kiss their brains*: kiss their palms and then pat their heads.

Because they are smart. And you are too, so you should kiss your brain.

My kids are actually learning. I don't know if it's because I'm teaching them or because they already knew, but they know the difference between a triangle and a circle.

Did you kiss your brain? Do you think it's silly? I did it in front of my class. Kiss your brain. You deserve it.

*I should note that I did not come up with this. That's a TFA thing.

Good weekend and anxiety

2009-09-07T16:36:00.003-04:00

Yesterday Jim and I went exploring. There's a little river town called Occaquan just south of us, and we spent a few hours walking around the shops. I ate *gasp* two truffles (well, one and a half; the raspberry filling was weird). We got great deals on Irish wool scarves and found a couple cute wine shops.

We did, however, have a spat about food. I didn't believe that the gelato was 98% fat free, and I wouldn't have gotten it anyway. Jim wanted some, then I said I didn't want any, and then he said he didn't want any. So then we argued about it.

Still, we had a good time. I really want to take my parents and his parents there when they get down here to visit.

And school starts up again tomorrow whether I want it to or not. And believe me, I don't.

Negative

2009-09-04T20:58:00.002-04:00

It is the end of my first week of teaching and I am alive. I think.

I've had three of my colleagues tell me my kids don't listen to me because I'm not black. Well. There is nothing I can do about that. I don't even tan. I have to find another way.

I don't know why I thought I could do this. I think my application and decision to do TFA was done in a five-month fit of arrogance.

Update: still can't stand my stomach. Yep. That's no changing anytime soon.

Learning Curve

2009-09-01T23:57:00.002-04:00

Mother. Of. God.

Yesterday ranks as one of the worst days of my life. I was a puddle of tears by 3:30. Four-year-olds defeated me.

But they did not defeat me today. Well, not entirely. I have two that are especially fractious - one that might have something a little off upstairs, and another who's just oppositional. Not "just," I suppose. He called me a bitch. He's four, remember.

So this will be a challenge.

I still hate my body, but at least I'm not thinking about it from 8:40-3:30.

The Bitch is Back

2009-08-30T22:43:00.002-04:00

All right, y'all. I'm back. Thank you for the concern and care you guys showed in the comments on my last post. It meant a lot to me. I'm thinking that all the adjustment of moving and starting a new job (more on that in a minute) just got overwhelming. There have been tears. There have been small meltdowns. But I'm getting the hang of living a) where the traffic patterns are RIDICULOUS and b) in the same space as that guy, you know, the one I agreed to live with forever. We're doing well.

The big news - I got a job! I will be teaching Head Start to a bunch of four-year-olds. I've seen my classroom and set it up - it's enormous. Plenty of space, but not a lot of supplies: I don't have any paper, markers, blocks, manipulatives (those bears and blocks you used to count). Supposedly Head Start will send me things ... but I don't think I'll have them by Monday. I'll beg a dry-erase marker off another teacher and things will be fine. The other teachers, by the way, are some of the nicest women I've met in a long time. They're very no-nonsense, but I like that. I just hope I can figure out how to teach as well as they do. I also hope I can figure out the day's schedule, which I don't actually have. Hmm. Tomorrow's going to be interesting.

The body woes continue. I've had a couple of meltdowns that I'm not particularly proud of. I really, really am not happy with my body right now. I feel bad for putting Jim through my freakouts. Part of it is that our dryer shrinks everything, but part of it is just that I'm heavier than I have been in a long time.

So the journey continues. The anorexia is screaming in my head, but Jim's cooking delicious things, hell, I'm learning to cook delicious things, and there's nights out with friends. I feel like I can either have the body I want or eat potatoes and bread and dessert. It's tough. Duh. Y'all know that.

I need to go pick out my book for storytime tomorrow. I'll provide an update tomorrow.

Another apology

2009-08-19T20:44:00.000-04:00

"If you can't say something nice, don't say nothin at all." --Thumper

I'm taking a break until I can say something that does not smack of self-pity and ig'nance.

Wanting

2009-08-19T14:00:00.002-04:00

Right now I am seriously debating having lunch. Not debating what to have for lunch, but whether to have it at all. I feel hungry and that feels good.

Why is this suddenly happening? I stuff my face for weeks and now I think about skipping lunch?

What do you do when you're suddenly gobsmacked by the Do Not Eats?

A year ago

2009-08-18T12:52:00.002-04:00

A year ago a girl walked up behind me in the gym and asked, "Mike?"

Now you would never mistake me for a boy. You wouldn't think I ever had an eating disorder, either.

If this is recovery, why don't I feel happier? Why don't I like myself more?

Worries

2009-08-16T19:16:00.002-04:00

Current worries include:

Not getting a job. School starts in a week - even if I find out where I'm working tomorrow, that gives me only a week to plan ... everything.
Failing at being a roommate (and eventually, you know, a wife and all).
Continuing to gain weight.
Getting sick (I have a cough I can't shake).
Being a shitty teacher, whenever I actually do get in the classroom.

Guh. I am a bundle of nerves.

Keep on Keepin' On

2009-08-12T17:25:00.002-04:00

I am spinning my wheels - actually, I'm spinning on the elliptical mostly. I don't have a placement, I still hate my body, blah blah blah.

Believe it or not, though, there are some things that make me happy. It takes a bit of mental scrounging, but here's a list:

1. My fiance. Living with Jim has taken some adjusting, but I can't get over how lucky I am to be living with my best friend and husband-to-be.

2. My friend Tamsin, who is living with us for a while. Not only has she valiantly put up with sleeping on our couch and having us wake her every morning, but she's one of the most fun people I know.

3. I do not currently have a job, but I will have one. At least I keep telling myself that.

4. The website F My Life. No matter how shitty my day has been, someone else has had it worse.

5. The Ikea website. Going through it is just so soothing.

6. Our mini-garden. Right before I moved in Jim planted herbs (basil, spicy basil, marjoram, rosemary, and a few others), and after I got there we planted hot peppers, habaneros, and bell peppers. The herbs have already been awesome and I can't wait to until the peppers (not the habaneros, though) are ripe.

7. Television. Holy moly, there is some awesomely bad stuff out there.

What are the things that make you happy right now?

Note to self 34,543

2009-08-08T19:01:00.002-04:00

Dear Lisa:

You have been writing some exceedingly self-centered, triggering posts. It is time to get a grip. You have plenty of other things to deal with besides your love handle hang-ups. No, you don't have a placement yet, but you can think of what you want your classroom to look like and what your management strategies will be. You can draft a letter for your students' parents. You can think about data tracking and organization. You can actually start using your damn planner.

Oh, and you can enjoy yourself, too. You're living in a beautiful apartment with your fiance. That's quite a good thing.

And you can work on your body if you want to. You can get back to where you were before Institute - but it is not going to happen overnight.

Get over it. Get over yourself. Get a grip.

Impatience

2009-08-08T11:06:00.002-04:00

I know I cannot get fit and toned in a week. I cannot expect my body to be what it was five weeks ago. But I'm not seeing ANY progress, and it's frustrating. I don't like the way I feel.

Deep breath. Patience is a virtue. I have time. When you do this too quickly is when the problems start.

Still waiting

2009-08-04T19:56:00.002-04:00

I don't have a position yet. I can't figure out the buses here to save my life. I need a haircut like you wouldn't believe.

And I'm large. I'm carrying more weight than I have for a long time, and it's getting to me.

I just want my life here to come together, and it's not fitting. Much like my shirts.

HOME

2009-08-02T18:15:00.002-04:00

I slept until 1 today. IN MY BED. And I never have to go back to Temple again.

Now I just have to actually start teaching.

They say the JumboTron adds twenty pounds

2009-07-30T19:38:00.002-04:00

Tonight were the closing ceremonies for Teach for America's Philadelphia Summer Institute. Some of my colleagues shared stories, there was a speech, and then the most amazing video montage (a la Lifetime movies) ever. Teachers and students hard at work, learning and instructing - and I was in it. Only for about two seconds, but I was up there. On the GIANT SCREEN.

And to be perfectly honest, I did not notice what I looked like. I did not notice if my recent additional poundage made me look chunky. All I saw was how happy I looked and how happy my kids were.

So I will be okay. I will take care of my body and get to a place where I am maximally functional and comfortable with myself, and dare I say a bit sexy. I am going to be a good teacher - not tomorrow, not the first day of school, but I will be.

Crap

2009-07-26T23:13:00.001-04:00

Trying to live up to what I said in my earlier post. EPIC FAIL. I cannot stand myself.

Uncomfortable

2009-07-26T10:29:00.002-04:00

Yesterday Jim told me that every time I come home to visit I look better. I hear this and know he's sincere (he's never insincere), but it doesn't change that I am very uncomfortable in my body right now.

I have not done any kind of regular exercise in four weeks. I have been eating dining hall food for four weeks. My eating choices have been influenced by stress, too - cue the bowls of dry Cap'n Crunch and Life. And there's still one more week to go.

I am trying hard to think about this in a positive way. Yes, I am uncomfortable now. But it will not be forever. I will not continue to gain weight uncontrollably. These circumstances are not forever - there's another week, yes, but it's just one more week. Then I can get back ... in control.

If there was ever a red-flag phrase, that's it, isn't it? But how I say it now is not how I said it in the past. I have tools now, strategies to help me think about and navigate the tricky world of food and my body. I have Jim with me now, who loves both exercise and food. And me, too. He loves me.

Prepare yourselves for major cheesiness - I am a work in progress. There will never be a point where I am stuck in a body that's unhealthy - too thin or otherwise. I can do this.

Why I am Engaged

2009-07-22T23:37:00.003-04:00

Jim's Whiskey Security System, utilizing the groundhog our friend made out of an empty Heiniken mini-keg:

I mean, really. How could I turn this down?

Arrgghh

2009-07-20T18:43:00.002-04:00

Am having a slight panic attack. About my lesson plans? No. About closing the achievement gap? No.

No. I am sitting here panicking over my goddamn love handles. In under five weeks of little exercise and dining-hall salads (which are not your typical salads) and cereal I have become enormous.

And yeah, I know this is stupid, and compared to everyone else I'm probably not eating all that much. But fuck comparisons, I'm me and I'm eating way more than I normally do. And without exercise (and with an impending period) I have become the fucking Hindenburg.

I hate, hate hate how I can seemingly make so much "progress" and still think that because I'm fat I'm worthless. No one else's worth is contingent on their mass. Just mine. And believe me, I would give anything to stop being this "special."

I have a job, I have a fiance I love more than anything, I have the best friends a girl could hope for. Why can't I let this one thing go?

Anthropology

2009-07-19T11:10:00.001-04:00

This past winter I took a class called The Anthropology of Infectious Disease. It was about how diseases and our socieities and cultures are so intertwined, and it was hands-down one of my favorite classes ever.

Now, though? Now I am living the anthropology of infectious disease. Teaching a roomful of four-year-olds who have not yet grasped how to wipe their noses or cover their mouths results in one sicky, sicky Lisa.

Things about me

2009-07-16T19:33:00.001-04:00

1. I feel enormous.
2. All I want to do is color.

Sorry to whine. I mean, this is just for two more weeks. Then I can get my life (and my body my body my blobby blobby body) back in order.

Oh my goodness

2009-07-14T15:16:00.003-04:00

Today was not terrible. No one kicked me or bit me and everyone peed where they are supposed to. And I think about seven or eight kids really, really understand patterns. Which I taught them. I successfully taught something. Holy moly.

Mr. Feeney

2009-07-12T20:22:00.003-04:00

For all of you Boy Meets World fans, one of my best friends here at TFA Institute has the last name of Feeney. I am mad jealous.

Whew. I think I'm ready for tomorrow - well, almost. I have to make some mama and baby animal cards - I'm using them to teach capital and lowercase letters. Oh, and I should probably review my lesson and make sure I know what I'm actually saying.

I know there are at least a couple of teachers who meander through this blog now and again. I can't say much due to TFA's policies on bloggery/facebookery, but have you ever been ... ah ... bitten by a student? Punched/kicked/slapped in the face? Because I have. On Friday. By the same girl.

I hope tomorrow is a fresh start for my students and my teaching group. I hope we can establish more order. It's not fair to the kids at all - if we can't give them the support they need to behave, they can't learn. And if any kids need that extra boost at the beginning, it's these adorable, frustrating, smart-as-hell four-year-olds.

And I hope I don't get peed on.

Today

2009-07-09T16:48:00.003-04:00

1. Today I took a little girl's lipgloss because she wouldn't put it away when I asked her to. I forgot it was in my pocket when we left for the day. I am a terrible person.

2. Today is a victory because I didn't get peed on. No. Really. That happened to one of my colleagues.

3. Today I was videotaped. I have to watch it tomorrow. There is little I despise more than seeing myself on camera, except seeing myself on camera as I UTTERLY FAIL to get any educational message whatsoever across to my students.

4. Today I was always. Sticky. Always.

First day

2009-07-07T00:31:00.002-04:00

Thirteen four-year-olds. That phrase didn't terrify me before today. And my class is supposed to have a full twenty-two students.

Granted, there are two student teachers in the room at all times. This does not, however, guarantee that any of your students will learn a darn thing.

No one bled. No one hit. No one had an accident and only three people cried. I'll take that for the first day.

Eating like a hoss. Stress eating is never a good thing.

Doing better

2009-07-05T10:26:00.003-04:00

Friday was much better than Thursday. I don't really see how it could have been worse. However, I was so wrapped up in myself and how sucky I was that I completely forgot my brother's birthday! He turned 221 so he probably wouldn't have remembered my call, anyway. Still. Bad Sister.

Tomorrow I start teaching For Real. There will be 20 four-year-olds that I have to corral, control, and somehow convince them to "work hard, get smart."

I am That Girl

2009-07-03T00:04:00.002-04:00

Yep. I am That Girl. You know. That one. The one who stayed up really late last night (and is up late again) and got up at five. That girl who drank two enormous energy drinks that tasted like your tightwad neighbor's stale Halloween candy. That girl who just got so goddamn frustrated when she couldn't get a straight answer about what had to be done. The girl who just got more and more stressed out until something had to give. The girl whose body decided to deal with the stress by crying. In front of nineteen other people and two of her supervisors.

Not a good day. Not at all. I'm eating too much and I can't keep my tear ducts in check.

But tomorrow will be better. It has to be. Right?

Locus of Control

2009-06-29T21:38:00.002-04:00

First day down. I will be teaching students going into first grade. Finally, my earring collection will be truly appreciated (especially the cow ones). Walking through school today was a hoot - it brought back so many memories. Giant jugs of paint, posters everywhere, pictures and projects on the walls. I know this is going to be intense, way more so than my previous internships and jobs, but I know the staff are going to support me and help me get to the place I need to be.

As for food ... it's hard. Today was hard, because the routine is so new and I didn't know what exactly to expect. I really, really had to talk myself into going to dinner tonight. My stomach's been hurting on and off - not nausea, actual pain. Might be psychosomatic, might not. But I have a plan. There's oatmeal in the morning and I can handle the sandwiches at lunch (eat the turkey and tomato, leave the sad lettuce, sticky cheese, and soggy bun). For dinner I have the luxury of a loaded salad bar and fresh pineapple. Today I found out where they hide the hummus. I went for a jog and now know which streets are not good for a lone woman jogger (I stick to well-lit places, do not listen to music, and take my phone).

The staff talk a lot about your "internal locus of control." This means that you honestly assess what you can control, take responsibility for it, and take the rest in stride. This should be an interesting endeavor.

Things that may or may not be true

2009-06-28T22:22:00.002-04:00

1. I am in over my head.

2. I can do this.

3. I am huge. Bulbous.

4. I want to take a shower in MY bathroom. Sorry, honey, our bathroom.

5. My new roommate just saw me spill cereal and thinks I'm a slob.

Rules

2009-06-27T11:09:00.002-04:00

Before I left for TFA Dr. M reminded me "there are no rules."

What if that were true? Really true, in things besides food?

Forget the implications of chaos and pillaging. Just think about what life might be like if there were no silly rules about food - or about how we talk to one another, or the way we think about our bodies, or the way we see each other and the world.

I can't decide if that would be liberating or terrifying. Maybe I wouldn't get funny looks for smiling at people on the metro. When I told someone I liked their hair/shoes/dress/tattoo, they wouldn't think I was creepy. But then maybe the ugliness in people would come out and it would get nasty.

Rules can be good, I know, but some exist that we don't need. I'm going to think more about this.

Do the Right Thing

2009-06-24T22:26:00.002-04:00

No, I've never seen that movie. But given the racially charged situation I'm marching into, I probably should.

Oh my goodness, you guys. I'm exhausted. I apologize because I'm incredibly far behind on all y'alls' blogs. But we were running places today. It was so jam-packed.

Food is still not going so well. For breakfast this week, we all got a $25 gift card to Starbucks. Incredibly generous, yes, but I am not going to eat a danish or donut or a bagel. Lunches are crap - I know we shouldn't complain, but I'm talking sandwiches with stale bread, a bag of chips, and a piece of fruit. I usually eat the turkey/lettuce/cheese out of the sandwich and the fruit. Luna Bars and Pure Protein bars are saving my ass. Dinner is actually decent - but we're so hungry after lunch that we just fall upon it like angry wolves. I'm eating and the whole time I'm thinking fatass fatass fatass. Last night was really difficult; thankfully I was able to call Jim and chat about it for a few minutes.

Oh, Jim. I miss him so much. FYI, honey, people love the ring - they think it's so original. You did good, babe.

And thank goodness all the people I'm meeting are wonderful. My roommate and the girls in my hall are fantastic.

And even though there's so much going on in my head, so much that's just fucking with me - the longer I'm here, the longer I realize I'm doing the right thing. This is where I'm supposed to be. Marrying Jim is the right thing to do. Teaching kids is the right thing to do. I know this much.

ED Panic

2009-06-23T19:16:00.002-04:00

Oh holy shit guys. I'm huge. Enormous. The food is weird and I'm either starving or stuffing myself.

I know this is just all the stress coming down on me and I know I am not going to die or fail because of my size. But holy moly this sucks a lot of balls.

I miss Jim. I miss my family. Thank goodness I'm surrounded by fun, engaging, smart people to distract me. Of course nothing can ever be distracting enough.

Gaaaahhhh.

Made it!

2009-06-23T07:59:00.002-04:00

I was NOT ON THE TRAIN. Thank you to all my family members for texting/calling.

But I am in the dorm at George Washington University for Induction. My roommates and neighbors are delightful. I did not cry at all yesterday - on my first night in Delaware last summer, I cried myself to sleep. I believe this is a sign of emotional growth.

Am I horribly intimidated? Yes. Am I excited out of my mind? Also yes.

So here goes

2009-06-22T13:15:00.003-04:00

What if I can't do it?

What if I fail?

What if I gain thirty pounds? What if I lose thirty pounds?

What if everyone thinks I'm an idiot?

Just had to let those out. I'm heading for my TFA registration in less than an hour. I'm going to look like a crazy bag lady trying to get from here to GWU, albeit a well-dressed one.

This week is going to be spotty, internet-wise. Bear with me and I'll keep you all posted.